Welcome to the February 2019 edition of Family Matters – Families Matter, our new blog authored and curated by FSDP’s Guest Blogger–pioneering harm reduction therapist, educator, advocate and author Dee-Dee Stout.
This month, Dee Dee, with her exuberance and energy, explains why International Family Drug Support Day means so much to so many of us…
Join us in honoring International Family Support Day on February 24, 2019!! Please follow us on Facebook and check out our website at fsdp.org for more information.
Hello everyone and happy 2019!!
I’ve had a remarkably busy start to the New Year as perhaps some of you have as well, meaning there was no blog for January. My apologies! As the Lunar/Chinese New Year just passed, it seems a good time to discuss the new partnership between FSDP and Family Drug Support Australia. Having attended the engaging and insightful training in NYC with Tony Trimingham (www.fds.org.au) at Dr. Andrew Tatarsky’s Center for Optimal Living site, I want to speak about the work of both these organizations as we prepare to commemorate International Family Drug Support Day (2/24). This date is important to Tony personally as this is the date his own son, Damien, died of a drug-related overdose in 1997 (see https://vimeo.com/249347700 for more from Tony). Each year Tony and his team have chosen a topic on which to focus. This year it’s #SUPPORTTHEFAMILYIMPROVETHE OUTCOME.
31 years ago when I began my journey into traditional recovery, there was family support built into the rehab I entered. There was even a program for my young son, Jesse, though that program was an additional fee. But the Family Program, which met every Saturday during my treatment stay, was vibrant! In those days, the family was too often seen as part of the problem however (think “enabler” and “codependent”, labels I would never use today though many professionals still do). Today we know that family support is crucial to long-lasting change to happen for those with problem alcohol and other drug use.
Families have lacked support in their struggles and in daily living with those they love with problems using drugs (including alcohol). International Family Support Day is one way to highlight the need for families like outs at FSDP to not only be recognized and heard but also supported and encourage to speak out regarding their concerns and their needs, including the needs of their loved ones with problematic drug use. One saying that I love is this: “If my family member had died of cancer or heart disease or a car accident, neighbors would be bringing me a casserole. Not so with addiction.” We at FSDP say we want to see casseroles!
One of the biggest and fastest growing areas of family work in addictions is the notion that abstinence doesn’t have to be the final goal. In my world, I call this Harm Reduction Recovery™ (HRR). Recovery without abstinence is entirely possible but it does require thinking out of the norm! HRR can be a goal to itself or perhaps it’s a stepping stone on one’s path to abstinence – or something in between. Families see that the most important first goal is keeping their loved one(s) alive. That means for many families, requiring that they throw their loved one out when they exhibit the very symptoms we want them to seek treatment for is no longer an option. As my aunt (who’s taught me a ton about families, addiction, and harm reduction) said, “He’s my child. I’m not going to be able to sleep at night worried that he’s not only using drugs but now he’s alone on the streets. I don’t need more to worry about; I need less.” More and more families are speaking out against easy “solutions” like exiting their loved ones. They’ve come to the realization that my aunt did: throwing your loved one out may not be the best solution. In fact it may increase your own stress and add more trauma to all involved which doesn’t lead to a reduction of drug use. In fact, it often leads to an increase. We have learned that the opposite of recovery isn’t harm reduction but rather zero tolerance (and tough love). And we will NOT enable these concepts to rule us anymore.
Speaking of tough love, refusing to participate in this concept is another area of growth in family addictions work. We’ve learned through research that many problem drug users are using alcohol and other drugs to soothe trauma(s) they have experienced in life. Addiction is definitely enabled by, if not always directly caused by, trauma(s). We also know that having a trauma history can be a barrier to seeking help (lack of trust; fear of others’ judgments; lack of confidence; distrust of healthcare professionals, and more). Therefore again, if we want our loved ones to seek help, we must be willing to reduce/do away with as many barriers as possible. Demanding abstinence can be a huge barrier; insisting that problem drug users “hit bottom” is a re-traumatization which also increases barriers. Families are converging and demanding better for their dollars from rehab providers and other professionals. We at FSDP are behind them all the way!
Families for Sensible Drug Policy (or FSDP) was founded by Barry Lessin, a therapist working in the addictions field, and Carol Katz Beyer, a mom who lost 2 of her 3 young adult sons to drug-related overdoses. She knows a thing or two about what it’s like to change your approach to drug treatment/rehab and drug users! As we head into International Family Drug Support Day (IFDSD), here are a few things Carol and the gang at FSDP want you to know about this special day:
The objectives of IFDSD are to:
- Reduce stigma and discrimination for families and drug users (bring on the casseroles!)
- Promote family drug support services for families and friends (all treatment needs to include all players)
- Promote harm reduction strategies for families and friends (no more tough love or zero tolerance)
In addition, the following issues will be highlighted around the world by all participating in this event:
- Establishing the important role of FDS and FSDP volunteers in providing family support in the US, Australia, and the world
- Reducing fatal and nonfatal overdoses from drugs including pharmaceuticals
- Promoting the widespread availability of naloxone
- Promoting greater inclusion of family members in the decision-making process for families experiencing problematic drug use
- Promoting greater support and resources for treatment services for those who want it and need it – and appropriate alternatives for those not yet ready
For more on what you can do in your area – or if you have an idea of your own – please contact Carol Katz Beyer at email@example.com.
The take-away: please join us this year on February 24 to honor International Family Drug Support Day in any way that feels right to you. I’ll be lighting my candle that night for all those using drugs problematically and their families of chance and/or choice, as well as those lost to this complicated condition we call “addiction”. I’ll also be saying a “thank you” to my son, Jesse Lee, my late former husband (Bob) and my late in-laws (Rhett & Faren) for their constant, unconditional love and support while I developed a path to recover me. I’m also lighting my candle for my friends who were with me in the beginning and those who are with me now and those who will be with me in the future. Without them all, I would not be here and for that, I will always be grateful and will continue to work for the voice of all in addiction to be heard and honored. Support the Family, Change the Outcome. It’s a recovery revolution and the time is now.
 Let me define “family” here: One type is the family you’re born into which I call your “family of chance.” The other is the one you create which I call your “family of choice.” Sometimes they are the same of course. The important point is that you need not have a “family of chance” present, but you must have a family of choice then. All humans need community in some form as we are social beings. How much and what kind is up to the individual.