Holy Holidays, Batman!…Or Ten Ways to Get Through the Holidays

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Welcome to our Holiday Special Blog, the December 2018 edition of Family Matters – Families Matter, our new blog authored and curated by FSDP’s Guest Blogger–pioneering harm reduction therapist, educator, advocate and author Dee-Dee Stout.

This month, Dee Dee, in her own inimitable style, shares some essential tips to navigate the holiday season in empowering ways…

To join our growing community of enlightened friends and advocates sign up here now.

Hello all! Here we are at the end of 2018 – and of my blogs for this year! Thank you all for your support and your readership! I have truly appreciated all the comments and shares over these past few months. And I’ve discovered just how much I love to do research on these topics!

In the past five months we’ve talked about the dangers and origins of Tough Love; recovering the word “recovery;” and Harm Reduction strategies for families. I know I promised 12 “Ways to Get Through the Holidays” but you know, I found myself doing only 10, perfect for counting on both hands! I hope you won’t be too disappointed. Most importantly, remember our 2018 take away for all families and their loved ones through this sometimes treacherous time:

It really is all about the love – and love is never tough!

love tree

So, who knows what the new year will bring. I know I’m eager to see 2019 and I haven’t felt that way in a long time. For the New Year, what ideas and suggestions do you have for new topics and conversations? Please write to me at deedeestoutconsulting@gmail.com and let me know. See you all next year!

Holy Holidays, Batman!

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Xmas trees

Holidays. I love them and hate them.

And regardless of which camp you fall into – or perhaps you’re in the “in between” camp – the winter holidays can be a challenge to navigate, especially when there’s added drug use (yes, I mean that tasty eggnog or rum punch too) by many involved. As I sit here with all my research and ideas in front of me, it occurs to me that I can’t think of anything to add to an incredible list of “do’s and don’ts” already available all over the internet and social media.

But that said, perhaps it’s worth revisiting some ideas with a “reduction-of-harm-to-all” bent – and so here goes (OK to sing your fave holiday tune along to these 10 tips, too. Ho ho ho!).

1. Eat light

One of the best tips we can use is to save those heavy conversations for another time. Sure, there will be exceptions to this, but the holidays are already such a heavy meal in so many ways that experts suggest benching the Big Convos until after things have settled down, including our stomachs. So what’s one thing we can do to lighten the mood?

Perhaps we can simply focus on the positives this season and save the less positives for later. That’s a tip for all seasons according to CMC’s 20 Minute Guides for Parents & Partners. What do we mean by this? Think of finding positive things – called “reinforcers” – to say to your loved ones – family, friends, and those using drugs problematically. And here’s why: “The value in reinforcing positive behavior…is that it can start to compete with the reinforcing effects of drugs and alcohol. In essence, your [loved one] can learn to “feel good” in other ways rather than using drugs/alcohol.”[1]

John Gottman, the famous couples therapist, has stated that we need a “magic ratio” of 5 positive statements for every 1 that we make to someone. Dr. Gottman and his team successfully predicted divorce with 94% accuracy in 700 couples 10 years after scoring their negative-to-positive responses in one 15-minute conversation.[2] That’s pretty darned “magic” indeed. We see similar results in workplace conversations as well. So lighten up on the negatives and accentuate the positive statements this holiday season. You might see a greater gift than you ever expected

2. Hang out in the bathroom

This is something I suggest to those trying to reduce or eliminate their drug use as a place to be alone and use a quick meditation. (side note:  I realize that for some this can also be a triggering place for both families and their loved ones using drugs so like all good suggestions, please use your discretion as to whether any of these are right for you). But this is also a terrific exercise for anyone to use for a quick fix. This exercise is known as “The Ball and Triangle.”[3] I learned it from the developer, Terry Gorski, back in the 90’s. And it can be done anywhere, with your eyes open or closed. Here it is:

To start, take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth, like a big sigh. Now imagine there’s an equal-sided triangle floating in space in front of you. In one corner of the triangle there’s a small ball, just sitting. On your next inhale, move the ball up the side of the triangle. On your exhale, allow the ball to fall back into its original place. Do this until you feel as relaxed as you desire.

There are many ways to get creative with this brief meditation too so feel free to experiment; make it your own.

3. Just like real estate: it’s all about location, location, location

One thing that I hear from families and their loved ones is that the location of the festivities is important. Some places encourage nostalgia though may also bring up tension. It may be helpful to discuss the location of events with the whole family. See how everyone feels. I have found with my own family that eating out at a local restaurant can be wonderful: a) everyone’s food intolerances can be honored; b) most folks will be on their best behavior when in public and finally c) no one has to do the dishes! Perhaps grandma’s or dad’s special chocolate pecan pie at Aunt Cristina’s house can be an alternative.

4. BYOB: Bring your own bottles

Even if you’re not the one with the drinking/other drug problem, it might be a good idea to limit your intake. The very best way to do this is to first, bring your own fave beverage. I’m a big fan of Pellegrino so typically carry a couple of bottles with me (I even bring a baggie of lime slices). That way I know what will be served. If you’re moderating your drinking especially, it’s really important not to get dehydrated which is easy to do in a heated room with booze. So experts suggest drinking water between alcoholic beverages. Again, an easy way to reduce your intake – and possible help stave off a nasty hangover too. Be sure to eat something as drinking on an empty stomach is never advised. Also food will help to absorb some of the alcohol which will keep your overall blood alcohol levels down. Finally since alcohol is known as a “social lubricant” for good reason, you might consider who you’d like to be in charge of your emotional state during this event (see # on Lizard Brain). But if you want to indulge more than usual, remember the previous tips and to call Lyft this holiday season. It’s so easy not to drive while intoxicated now – and expensive to get caught.

pup and mistletoe

5. Find support where you can

Hug your pet. See old friends. Go to a meeting at a support group, or a service at your local synagogue, church, temple, or mosque. Volunteer and make new friends. Lots of ways today to stay in touch with others even if only through social media. Visit someone in a nursing home or senior housing. Take a plate of cookies to a neighbor you’ve never met because you’re working all the time (no, they don’t have to be homemade).

6. Like a good photograph, mind your exposure.

If you’re spending time with those that irritate you, do so gently. It’s OK to limit the time you’re with those you love. This is your holiday, too.

7. Rest when you can

For many of us, the holidays are an expenditure of more energy. Sometimes more than we can muster! So resting and sleeping well are crucial to having the outcomes we want. You can think of rest as our body’s need to regenerate its resources to allow us to think before we eat, act, or wind up somewhere we didn’t want to go. I’ve learned that I can’t engage my mind when it’s running on empty, which leaves me with Lizard Brain[4] in control. Now I’m OK with old Lizard Brain having some fun once in a while but not all the time and especially not when I’m going to be in an emotionally challenging situation

8. Cravings aren’t just for drug users

Yes, you heard me right! I like to think of cravings as the body’s way to say “Holy crap, Batman, I need something – help!” The difference for families is that there aren’t any medications for your cravings (and yes I know there aren’t meds for all chemical cravings too but let’s ignore that for now). You may have physical or emotional cravings for all sorts of things from food to the latest mystery to taking a ski weekend in Banff. Whatever it is, it’s just possible that your body/mind is trying to tell you something. We want to learn from our emotions and not be afraid of them or ignore them. We all know the holidays are overfilled with stress so perhaps we can take a page from relapse prevention for drug users and learn to “urge surf”. Here’s how to do it[5]. And you can keep your eyes open or closed them as you find most comfortable:

First, think of something in your real life that’s challenging for you, something that actually triggers some strong emotions (be gentle with yourself here though. Nothing too tender please!). As you think about this challenging behavior or event, imagine that you’re NOT reacting in the moment with that usual strong emotion (you’ll be responding to the situation soon). As you’re thinking about this event, be mindful of where you’re sitting: how does it feel? Are you comfortable? Plant your feet gently and firmly on the floor if you’re sitting. Let your breath gently come in and out of your nose and notice the rising and falling of your chest/lungs. Now once again, think about the triggering circumstance. Really see yourself there at the moment and bring yourself right up to the moment that you’d typically lose your temper, or be overcome with sadness, or even use a drug/take a drink. Here we might think it’s a good idea to push away these strong emotions or swing the opposite way and give in to the emotion/behavior. Instead, I’m going to ask you to just be curious about this emotion and event without reaction. Ask yourself these questions: 1) what does the feeling really “feel” like? Where is it located in your body? 2) what about this situation/feeling feels intolerable? Can you stay with it and relax into it rather than get overwhelmed by the situation/feeling? 3) what is it you really need right now?

Finally, imagine that the feeling your experiencing is a wave on an ocean. You’re riding this wave like a surfer, using your breath as your surfboard. All you need to do right now is focus on your breath going in and out of your lungs and imagine that surfboard riding the waves like Bethany Hamilton! You’re able to keep your balance in spite of feeling a little frightened. Up and down, in and out, you’re riding your board; you’re not allowing the wave to push you off. This is “urge surfing”.

When you begin to feel relaxed and able to respond instead of reacting to a situation or feeling, you can let the board bring you home. Notice how you were able to ride the wave and not succumb to its power but rather allow it to be what it is: just a wave…and it will end. When you’re ready, come on back to the room while you let go of the triggering situation you were thinking of. Take a few deep cleansing breaths and know that you’ve got this! Bethany would be proud!free hugs

 

9. Ho, ho, ho!

I always encourage humor and lots of laughter during the winter holidays (actually I encourage it all the time!). Laugh till your face hurts. Be silly as often as possible. I read a piece recently on a family holding an “Ugly Christmas Sweater” contest with the winner getting a gift card to a favorite store. Wonderful idea! We humans are a pretty funny lot all in all and this is the perfect time of year to embrace that.

Movies are another great way to bring laughter into a room and there are some terrific old and newer holiday films that will make you pee your pants (in my family, it’s “A Christmas Story” hands down!).   Anything from “The Grinch” and “Charlie Brown Christmas” to “Bad Santa” and “Die Hard” are considered holiday fair game. Or perhaps you’re the sentimental type and look forward to watching your favorite heart-wrenching, tear-jerker each holiday. No problem! Those films are available as well (anyone for “It’s a Wonderful Life” or “White Christmas?”). Just be sure to temper those tears with some belly laughs

10 The holidays are a trip!

And they are literally for many of us! Traveling these days can be a trial-by-fire experience. Some quick tips: 1) Only use a carry-on bag 2) Bring something to read/watch/play and 3) slow down on imbibing early (planes really suck the moisture out of every part of us and alcohol makes it worse). For more excellent tips on everything “travel” this holiday season, check out Cheap Flights Survival Guide: www.cheapflights.com/news/holiday-season-travel-survival-guide

Bottom line for the season: Do your best, let go of the guilt/shame, and have as much fun as possible. That sounds like a pretty good recipe for 2019 to me, too. In fact, I think I’ve just found my 2019 New Year’s resolution. How about you?

chinese lanterns

[1] The Parent’s 20 Minute Guide by CMC: Center for Motivation & Change. (2016) Center for Motivation & Change. NY, NY. p93.

[2] https://www.ocde.us/PBIS/Documents/Articles/Positive+$!26+Negative+Ratio.pdf. Accessed 12.18.2018.

[3] https://terrygorski.com/2014/05/08/magic-triangle-relaxation-method/. Note: the Ball and Triangle exercise is now called the Magic Triangle Relaxation Method. Accessed 12.18.2018.

[4] The limbic system aka Lizard Brain is the seat of our emotions and the oldest known part of our brains.

[5] Bowen, S, Chawla, N. & Marlatt, G. (2011) Mindfulness-Based Relapse Prevention for Addictive Behaviors: A Clinician’s Guide. Guilford Press. NY, NY.

Introducing “FSDP Presents”: A Podcast Brought to You By Our New Partners at The Social Exchange!

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FSPD is excited to announce our partnership with The Social Exchange, a brainchild of the brilliant Zach Rhoads and Aaron Ferguson.

26233524_10103289292747830_6908264666812993265_oThe Social Exchange interviews the world’s leading intellectuals about a variety of social topics: addiction, social science, philosophy, and many more.  Zach is a masterful interviewer and through their podcasts they offer listeners cutting-edge information about each topic.

What’s refreshing and unique is that there is no rule that the conversations are agreeable or comfortable. However, each conversation is guided by an honest, information-seeking style of dialectic. On The Social Exchange, ideas are challenged, people are respected.

As part of the partnership, FSDP will have the opportunity each month to select an FSDP community member to be interviewed on the podcast on a segment called” FSDP Presents”. We’re proud to have Glen Carner, Licensed Mental Health Counselor  from Hawaii as the inaugural podcast guest. Glen has a paradigm-shifting outpatient addiction counseling program, Family and Addiction Counseling LLC  that uses a collaborative harm reduction approach that coordinates care for his clients with relevant community supports whenever possible. As you’ll hear in the podcast, he blends his expertise with unbounding enthusiasm and a passion to work with individuals and families impacted by substance use.

You can hear the podcast here and learn more about Zach’s work with The Social Exchange on their Patreon page here.

NEXT UP ON “FSDP PRESENTS”: Kenneth Anderson, a pioneer of alcohol harm reduction and Founder of the HAMS Network: Harm Reduction, Abstinence, and Moderation Support.

Harm Reduction for Families: Communicating With Love

Adding to our Fall series, welcome to the November 2018 edition of Family Matters – Families Matter, our new blog authored and curated by FSDP’s Guest Blogger–pioneering harm reduction therapist, educator, advocate and author Dee-Dee Stout.

This month, Dee Dee shares her unique perspectives on harm reduction’s influence on family communication

To learn more about how your family can join our growing community of enlightened friends and advocates sign up here now.

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Communication.

This is a huge topic which I can only hope to touch on here. But I hope that I can offer some suggestions, look for some possible answers from you all (families) and see what we know in science now.

For more than fifty years, we professionals have made (still make??) terrible mistakes in our advice about communicating with loved ones who use drugs: DON’T BOTHER! We said things like, “All addicts are liars” and “They must hit bottom” and “You need to use tough love with addicts”. We called you all names: codependent, enabler, co-addict/alcoholic. Now don’t misread me here: we’re discussing a family which is a system.

To use the favored metaphor from famed American educator and author, John Bradshaw[1], “families are like mobiles: touch one side of a mobile and the entire piece shifts.” This means all family members must participate in changing in order for change(s) to actually happen. Bradshaw, [2] (who also coined the terms “dysfunctional family” and “inner child”, and some believe ushered in the self-help movement of the 1980’s) used to call the problem a “dis-EASE” with the world. I think that is still one of the best definitions of addiction we have. And it speaks to the trauma that all too often accompanies addiction/drug use. More on that in the future.

So, what does communication in a harm reduction world look like? Here’s an example from Patt Denning and Jeannie Little’s book, Over the Influence[3]:

“You can love your child and kick her out of the house. You can kick her out of the house and pay her rent somewhere else. In these ways you can continue to love and support her and limit the damage she can do to your marriage, your house, and your other kids. In other words, you can make changes in your relationship with your loved one way before you are completely worn out. In fact you should.”

A second example is from the Center for Motivation and Change’s (CMC) booklet, “The Parent’s 20 Minute Guide”[4] (they use the term “parent” to mean any caregiver). In the section titled “Helping with Understanding”, CMC makes the point that the behaviors your child is engaged in (i.e., using drugs) make sense and we parents need to appreciate that relationship that our loved ones have with substances even as we struggle to understand it. Wow, huh? This can be a tough request but here’s why it’s crucial to Communicating with Love:

“Feeling relaxed, exhilarated, less anxious, braver, funnier, and part of the group, are all potential benefits of using substances. If there were no benefits, there would be no use.” (emphasis mine)

This is enormously important for families to understand. Without this acknowledgement, little communication with love can happen. We need to remember that our loved ones’ actions have more to do with their personal reasons for using (the reinforcers) than us. This knowledge can help us to not take our loved ones’ actions so personally and to start to see the reasons for the substance use: loneliness, boredom, social/fitting in, anxiety, trauma, and more. The CMC 20 Minute Guide goes on to say,

“Understanding what your child gets from using can also lower your fear and anxiety, as it makes the behavior less random and more predictable. If he uses to fit in with other kids, then you know he’s more at risk when he’s out socializing than home with the family.”[5]

With this information in hand, strategies can be launched with your loved one and everyone can be invited to brainstorm options when your loved one is faced with potentially triggering social situations.

The Guide also has worksheets, such as the one titled, “Behaviors Make Sense”[6] which is designed for the parents to complete based on their understanding of their loved ones’ reasons for using drugs. I would suggest that these worksheets might be even more effective if completed with your loved one. That way you’re not left guessing about the relationship your loved one has with substances. It also allows for further exploratory conversations to better understand your loved ones substance use (it’s also possible that your loved one isn’t sure of all the reasons they use drugs; this openness to conversation could allow them time to consider why they use a substance(s)).

Denning and Little also provide some excellent guiding concepts for families to use, calling them “Harm Reduction Principles for Family and Friends:”[7]

  1. Promises only cause problems
  2. There are no rules except the ones you make
  3. You cannot enable drug use (unless you are supplying them)
  4. Base your actions on your values
  5. Base your actions on what you can manage
  6. You have triggers too
  7. Any limits you set are about you

I would add a couple of others:

8) Everyone’s doing the best they can so be kind/gentle with yourselves – and with your loved one (it may seem like your loved one cares more for drugs than for you right now but I doubt that’s really true)

9) You probably can’t solve this problem, but you can make it better or worse

10) For change to be successful for your loved one, you must also change

So perhaps now you’re thinking, “OK Dee-Dee, this is all great but is there some research to tell us how to communicate with love?” Yes there is!

CRAFT. Community Reinforcement Approach and Family Training[8], developed by Robert Meyers, PhD (Research Associate Professor Emeritus in Psychology at the University of New Mexico’s Center on Alcoholism, Substance Abuse and Addiction) is an answer. Bob Meyers (full disclosure: I have been trained by Dr. Meyers in CRAFT) came to the field of addiction through his own family’s problems with substance use. He became convinced that there could be a better way to interact with loved ones using substances and focused his research on finding some answers to this lifelong idea. Taking Dr. Nathan Azrin’s Community Reinforcement Approach (CRA) and combining it with his own brand of Family Training, Dr. Meyers developed CRAFT, now an evidence-based therapy.

CRAFT is unique in addiction counseling in many ways. One of the most important, in my opinion, is its focus on “catching people who use drugs doing something ‘right’”. In other words, instead of the main focus being on punishment for misbehavior, CRAFT encourages us to focus on the times when your loved one isn’t engaging in the ‘misbehavior.’ It also supports the idea that drug use (especially problem drug use) doesn’t happen in a vacuum: it happens within a system and all parts of the system must change.

Too often the drug user is seen as the Identified Patient (or Problem aka the IP) and taken off to treatment to make changes which we’re often led to believe will solve all the family problems. However, if the system she is in doesn’t also make changes, how do we expect her changes to be maintained? This is what’s called “magical thinking” (which has sadly been perpetuated too often in my profession); it’s also a set up for failure. All too often treatment does fail[9] too regardless of how much she wants to make a change(s).

Down under, Tony Trimingham, founder of Family Drug Support (FDS Australia), shares some similar ideas in his “Letter to Family and Friends.”:

“When we expect immediate changes and refuse to be with the person during the process we undermine the very goal we seek to accomplish.” [10]

I want to stop here for a moment to reflect on things that I’m suggesting families can do differently – I want to emphasize that I am NOT pointing these things out in order to lay blame. Never. Are there things we could’ve/should’ve done differently as families with loved ones who love drugs? Absolutely. Does that mean we are to blame/responsible for the drug use? Not likely. But we are part of the overall system – and therefore we must be willing to look at our part in the creation of that system of dis-ease we are all in squarely in the face.

After all, isn’t that what we ask people who use drugs to do in treatment? What I’m saying is that when there’s a complicated, possibly chronic condition in the family, it affects everyone, therefore, the solution(s) has to involve everyone. Gratefully we now have more options & suggestions for families than the old “let them hit bottom” and “stop enabling/being codependent.” We can now say, “don’t stop loving your family member!” and “when our loved ones are ill we need to hold them closer.” Learning how and when to “hold them closer” so change can be possible is the challenge. One way of helping us may be to learn more about change in general. How does it happen? How can we help or hinder change? Is it ever successful?image004

We’ve learned a great deal about how people make change(s) in their lives. The researchers James Prochaska, Carlo DiClemente, and John Norcross discovered how change happens back in the late 1970’s which they called the Transtheoretical Model (TTM) or Stages of Change for short.[11] We’ve learned that instead of looking at abstinence as the best or only way to recover or change, incremental positive change may be the best route: “Any positive change” is the slogan the late harm reductionist, Chicago Recovery Alliance founder Dan Bigg[12] who has used this slogan to describe how to view the small steps typically needed to move toward change.

Harm reduction for families at its core is about providing support to help families make decisions that fit their individuality: their values, their needs, their loved ones. It’s about helping families to see that abstinence is one possible outcome but doesn’t need to be the only one – nor is it always the best option for everyone.

For many people, the best way to make change is to go mindfully and slowly, small step by small step, moving closer and closer – with some setbacks – toward the big change you plan to make. Think of how many people quit smoking (side note: The Stages of Change were discovered when the developers/researchers looked at some 1500 smokers). Usually smokers quit on their own, either with or without the help of aids as nicotine replacement (Nicorette gum, inhalers, lozenges; anti-craving medications). Others just stop, cold turkey. But most professionals now will suggest – for those not wanting that “cold turkey” method – a “warm turkey”[13] approach is a good option especially for those who have a difficult achieving their goals with “cold turkey” methods.

The same can be true for abstinence or moderation goals in drug/alcohol use. Families can now Google terms such as “harm reduction for families” and find options that may be more in line with their values/goals and those of our loved ones using drugs. With cannabis legal in more and more states every day, many of us have found that we are looking to this substance to prove helpful in treating addictions (we already know about its usefulness – alone or in conjunction with cannabidiol CBD[14] – in treating anxiety, pain, depression and more for many people). Most families I work with now are more than delighted to have their former problematic drug-using loved one find relief and assistance in some form of cannabis.

Harm reduction for families at its core is about providing support to help families make decisions that fit their individuality: their values, their needs, their loved ones. It’s about helping families to see that abstinence is one possible outcome but doesn’t need to be the only one – nor is it always the best option for everyone. And by the way, one can definitely not be abstinent (defined as not taking any medication/drug) and still be “in recovery.[15]” More and more families are coming to see harm reduction as a better fit for them than the old “hit bottom/throw them out” model as they see the harm that is caused to them and their loved ones by such traditional, zero tolerance policies.

Families have also had enough of the old ways of thinking from my profession – the misinformation/scare tactics, the lack of nuance in treating them and their loved ones who use drugs, the one-size-fits-all approach – even the beloved American disease model of addiction has been challenged by many of the families I see![16] Family work in addictions is at a crossroads: in my opinion, it is the outcry from families that will be the reason new harm reduction policies will be adopted. It is your voices that are the loudest, strongest, and which will be best received since frankly, families are seen as victims of addiction unlike “addicts” (I’m not suggesting this view is accurate or not, simply that it is a reality in our culture). Bottom line: once again it’s about LOVE. LOVE which is the center of positive and healthy communication – and something we can all improve on demonstrating within our families this minute.

So grab one of these books – or perhaps you know of another one that fits your needs best – and start reading and practicing. It’s time for our Family Recovery movement. We must demand better, more from the professionals and other healthcare practitioners. And we must learn to improve our own communication with love.[17]image008

(Note: all photos are from unsplash.com)

Don’t miss next month’s edition:  “Holy Holidays, Batman!!  12 Tips for Enjoying the Holidays in Spite of Everything.”  

 

REFERENCES

[1] www.johnbradshaw.com.

[2] Ibid. Accessed on 9.26.18.

[3] Denning, P & Little, J. (2017). Over the Influence, 2nd Edition. Guilford Press. NY:NY. p221.

[4]https://the20minuteguide.com/. Accessed on 9.26.18. p11-12.

[5] Ibid

[6] Ibid. p13-14.

[7] Denning, P & Little, J. (2017). Over the Influence, 2nd Edition. Guilford Press. NY:NY. p221.

[8] www.robertjmeyersphd.com. Accessed on 9.26.18.

[9] Statistics for success re: professional treatment is difficult. 30% is the highest publicized rate yet this number generally reflects only those who completed treatment, not who improved longterm. AA’s rates are about 5%.

[10] https://www.fds.org.au/newsletters/letter-to-family-and-friends (accessed 10.22.2018)

[11] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transtheoretical_model (accessed 10.22.2018)

[12] Chicago Recovery Alliance (CRA): www.anypositivechange.org

[13] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/1787547

[14] https://www.projectcbd.org/about/what-cbd. Accessed on 10.25.2018.

[15] https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-11_aamembersMedDrug.pdf

[16] See works by Marc Lewis, Maia Szalavitz, Stanton Peele, Jeff Foote, Denning & Little, Andrew Tatarsky, to name a few professionals in the field who do not ascribe to the traditional disease concept of addiction. Dr. Marc Lewis is a neuroscientist, researcher and former drug addict who has authored several books on this subject: http://www.memoirsofanaddictedbrain.com/authors-bio/

[17] Another book I suggest & use with families: William Miller’s (Motivational Interviewing) 2018 book titled, “Listening Well: The Art of Empathic Understanding.” It’s available at Amazon and beyond.

 

FSDP Co-founder Carol Katz Beyer Represents the Family Voice at Rutgers University School of Law

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FSDP was privileged to have co-founder Carol Katz Beyer invited to participate on an international panel of experts at the Rutgers University School of Law on October 31, 2018. Randy Thompson, founder of Help Not Handcuffs hosted the discussion on “Drug Decriminalization: The Triumph of Human Rights and Health over the Drug War”45144582_2393306420685983_7391489221489328128_n

Randy Thompson, founder of Help Not Handcuffs, in conjunction with The Open Society Foundations (OSF), The Rutgers Criminal Law Society and the Rutgers Public Interest Law Student Association, coordinated the event featuring Dr.João Goulão, the Portuguese Drug Czar, Kasia Malinowska, Director of the Global Drug Policy Program at OSF, Tess Borden, Staff Attorney for the ACLU-NJ and Carol Katz Beyer of FSDP as speakers.

What was detailed was nothing short of amazing! Portugal, which decriminalized all drugs has almost non-existent overdose deaths. In Portugal, harm reduction is so well developed that it is significantly reduced overdose deaths and the spread of HIV/AIDS and HepC; and they provide superior treatment on demand for those who want it, at less than 1/10th of the cost to taxpayers compared to the New Jersey system

Kasia engaged Dr. Goulão in a conversation and he brilliantly articulated the history of how the Portugal model came to be. He illustrated that change is possible when the goal is to elevate society through the lens of public health with strategies and solutions rooted in compassion and science.

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Panel, from left: Dr. João Goulão, Kasia Malinowska, Tess Borden, Carol Katz Beyer

Tess detailed the egregious human rights violations that the US policies of prohibition and criminalization are inflicting on families.

Carol eloquently elucidated the issues and harms that our families needlessly suffer as a consequence of the war on drugs as well as recommended public health solutions. Carol said, “I cannot express enough how privileged I felt to be present in the company of Dr. João Goulão who articulated so poignantly what transformative solutions in drug policy reform look like”.

Immense appreciation and thanks go to Randy, who did a tremendous job organizing this important event and skillfully moderating. There was a robust Q and A afterwards as audience members representing Rutgers law students, healthcare professionals, and community members.

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Host/Moderator Help Not Handcuffs founder Randy Thompson

I cannot express enough how privileged I felt to be present in the company of Dr. João Goulão who articulated so poignantly what transformative solutions in drug policy reform look like–FSDP co-founder Carol Katz Beyer.

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Attendees included FSDP co-founder Barry Lessin and FSDP members Anne Earle and Lisa Raphael

Because of your ongoing support, we are bringing our communities together, empowering families, restoring health and saving lives!

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PLEASE SUPPORT OUR FAMILIES!

FSDP at The 12th National Harm Reduction Conference in New Orleans, LA

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Thanks to the generosity and support of our friends and stakeholders Team FSDP attended the 12th National Harm Reduction Conference #harmred18 in New Orleans, LA, October 18-21, representing a growing number of families who are adversely impacted by the unprecedented public health crisis surrounding substance use.

This biennial event brought together some of the most creative minds from the US and abroad to address a myriad of complex issues facing the harm reduction movement. A diverse community of people who use drugs, social justice activists, service providers, healthcare workers, researchers, policymakers, public health officials, and law enforcement gathering together determined to put an end to the harms and injustices caused by the War on Drugs.

FSDP is dedicated to serving the needs of our families and our participation in this conference is a heartfelt expression to honor our loved ones who have been lost to overdose and to save the lives of those who remain at risk.

 

FSDP co-founders Carol Katz Beyer and Barry Lessin were privileged to be invited to join harm reduction pioneer and visionary Patt Denning, Ph.D. on her panel: “Loving Someone Who Loves Drugs and Alcohol.”

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Patt outlined specific strategies for family members and friends based on guiding principles of harm reduction including “there are no rules except the ones you make”, “establish your absolute limits”, affirm your values, “identify what’s most important for you” and “tough love is neither, and it feels bad to all”.

The packed meeting room was inspired by Carol sharing how her lived experience inspired her to advocate for impacted families by creating a space to powerfully speak the truth to the powers that be in the broken treatment-industrial complex.

Barry gave an overview of the work of FSDP and shared how family and friends can become empowered by being open to reality-based harm reduction information and sharing it with peers, planting seeds of hope in their communities.

Our dedicated team was on hand to welcome attendees at our exhibit table continuing the conversation, networking and providing conference attendees with educational materials, tutorials and resources.

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Thank you Juan Fernandez Ochoa for sending us the Support Don’t Punish t-shirts. They were a big hit!

The 2018 Harm Reduction Conference comes at a time when harm reduction, health care, and drug policy reform have entered a dynamic and critical phase. The prescription opioid and heroin overdose epidemic has captured national attention, with renewed focus on transmission of HIV and Hep C among people who use drugs. These trends are reshaping the policy and public health landscapes, making harm reduction more urgent and relevant than ever before.

Because of your ongoing support, we are bringing our communities together, empowering families, restoring health and saving lives!HandDonate

Welcome Family Drug Support USA This Giving Tuesday!


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GivingTuesday is a global day of giving fueled by the power of social media and collaboration.

Celebrated on the Tuesday following Thanksgiving, (November 27 in the U.S.) and the widely recognized shopping events Black Friday and Cyber Monday,

FSDP is excited to announce that starting at 5am PST on November 27, Facebook and PayPal will contribute a total of $7M to partner with our stakeholders and match any donation to your designated nonprofit of choice! Giving Tuesday is a not to be missed opportunity to help us support more families by bringing Family Drug Support USA to communities across the nation. Our Facebook friends can also have their gifts matched by using the fundraising for nonprofits option on Facebook for which includes birthday fundraisers and the donate button feature

As a mother, Carol Katz Beyer, who has been personally impacted by the devastating loss of her two children Bryan and Alex, was inspired to co-found Families for Sensible Drug Policy with Barry Lessin to regain control of our families’ health by collaborating with our stakeholders to implement a new paradigm of care and support based on compassion, science, public health and human rights.

Please read this heartfelt message from Tony Trimingham to learn more about Family Drug Support:


“When someone dies as a result of illicit drugs, it is estimated that on average they lose 35 years of their lives (compared to 5 years for nicotine and 15 years for alcohol). Not only does this rob the person of a chunk of their life, it has a massive impact on their family. When my 23-year-old son died from a heroin overdose, not only did I experience profound grief and shock, there was excruciating pain and a massive impact on me, and all my family. If I could get to sleep (which was rare) I would dream of him being alive, then I would wake up to the nightmare. I found myself breaking down on an almost daily basis, and simple everyday tasks became difficult.

 My wife and friends who were suffering their own grief had to cope with my not coping. I would hear his voice in public places and thought I saw him walking along the street. For the first 6 years after he died this level of pain continued and it took a long time before I was able to smile again and enjoy the normal things in life. It is now 21 years and while the pain has subsided and is not as acute, there isn’t a day go by where I don’t feel sad, and miss my son. I have missed out on conversation with him, possible grandchildren, and seeing him progress through life. I have had similar conversation and reflections with hundreds of other families who have lost people, and suffer the same anguish. For this reason, Family Drug Support believes that keeping people alive and safe is the first priority when it comes to dealing with problematic drug use.

In my work with Family Drug Support, I have spoken to more bereaved families in the last six months than I have in the last six years. This is because of the increase in the use of legal opiates, and also because street heroin is back on the radar. The truly sad fact is that these deaths, along with those at music festivals from taking pills, are completely preventable.”

Family Drug Support Training is an opportunity to work directly with Tony Trimingham in an experiential workshop learning specific skills using harm reduction principles and the psychological approach of motivational interviewing to deliver support to those in need. People that successfully complete the training will be able to bring this peer to peer support to their communities.

Please click here for more information about Family Drug Support USA

Meet Tony Trimingham in this video describing the workshop.

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Our families desperately need your help and we urge you to join us as part of a long term solution that will keep our loved ones safe, connected and plugged in to the services that will keep them alive. A watershed moment reflecting our nation’s most significant public health disaster, requires that we as a nation embrace a multi-tiered and realistic approach towards prevention, education and access to healthcare services.

Your donation no matter how big or small helps save lives by forwarding our mission to deliver the message of harm reduction to communities around the world. Please help us reduce overdoses and empower families by educating and advocating for progressive solutions for family support based on science, compassion, public health and human rights.HandDonate

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Sign up HERE to receive our newsletter stay informed on the latest news and events.

Thanks so much being a valued friend to our community. Your generosity and support is  really appreciated and will help make our family voice be heard.

Letter To Friends and Family: Embracing a Harm Reduction Approach

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LETTER TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY:

Someone you care about is drinking or using drugs. You can see many ways he or she is creating problems in his/her life and creating harm in yours. Whether your partner, child, sibling or friend, you have stood by them in support as they have tried or refused treatment.

You may have left them, kicked him/her out or considered it; begged, pleaded, bargained, been tough, or soft. You are advocating for them because you love this person, fear for them, feel responsible for their well being or all of the above- yet you feel frustrated, defeated and confused about what to do next. You may be experiencing profound helplessness and have feelings of sadness, anger and isolation. Today’s optimisms induced by a new promise of never again is replaced by tomorrows disappointment when promises are broken. You end up with questions about loyalty, love, support and limits. How much help is too much? How many times do you cover up or overlook broken promises? How many times do you unbolt the door to let them have a shower or a sleep or feed? Should you give up hope of them changing, preferring family peace to fighting for change through chaos? Experts may have told you that you need to stop enabling, to start practicing tough love. You hope they’ll recognize how they are hurting themselves and others who care about them. The truth is that there are stages of change that are different for every family and staying connected helps individuals explore solutions that may be helpful for them.

Denial and hitting rock bottom

You may have learned that addiction is a disease and that only total abstinence with the support of the twelve steps is the treatment. You’ve come to believe that they must want to continue using or else all the trouble they’ve had would have convinced them to give up their substances. Their denial is so thick that only hitting rock bottom will motivate them to get sober. You’ve been told to stop bailing them out, cleaning up their mess, let them face consequences. Eventually they will hit rock bottom and sobriety will be possible and only with sobriety will come a life. Having believed this you urge them into treatment. However in spite of the acceptance and popularity of abstinence based treatment your family member has not got better. Despite the advice to abandon them you’ve loved them since they were born and the prospect of their death is too hard to contemplate.

Understanding how people change

So you’ve had it with promises and disappointments, exhausted by the fear and the suffering the substance abuse has brought, ashamed of their behavior, feel terrible for those they’ve hurt. You’ve heard of being patient, coping and passive in the face of all this. You’re tempted to take the advice, quit or get out. The problem is though, TOUGH LOVE DOESN’T WORK. It’s also awful for everyone to put into practice. It is totally unrealistic to expect people to change complicated behaviors on the basis of an ultimatum. Any approach that limits you to an all or nothing choice ignores the reality of HOW PEOPLE CHANGE. People change in incremental steps, practicing new behaviors and new ways of coping with life and feelings over time. The crucial ingredients to making lasting changes are understanding and support. When we expect immediate changes and refuse to be with the person during the process we undermine the very goal we seek to accomplish.

Separating a person from their behavior

Understanding, however, does not mean that you do not set limits. You set limits with two-year-olds and you set limits with adults. The limits you are setting are on behaviors. Children need limits that protect them from traffic, fire, poison etc. Adults need different limits, e.g. you can’t yell at me, I can’t let you take all our money for drugs. It is more usual to separate a person from his or her behavior. Spending all our money on drugs and alcohol doesn’t mean we are stupid we may be just overcome by need. Behaviors can be changed. Aspects of our personality can change. First of all we must have a basic sense of being valued to make it worthwhile to take care of ourselves. When we have children we give them unconditional love.

As they grow, the older they get, the less we can expect unconditional love to exist between parent and child. Relationships become equal partnerships in which we have to earn love and respect even from our parents. This is normal and healthy. Once we grow up the only place we can get unconditional love or more accurately unconditional positive regard is from a skilled therapist. You are not your child’s, partner’s or friend’s therapist. You don’t have to provide unconditional love to an adult no matter how much they may need it.

Harm reduction approach

The harm reduction approach suggests that you undertake the same kind of balanced evaluation of different options for taking care of yourself that we have encouraged our drug-using loved one to undertake. Weigh the pros, cons and consequences of actions so that whatever actions you take reflect the complexity

of the relationship with your loved one using drugs and the rest of the family. Just as the drug user needs to respect the complexity of his or her relationship with drugs before making decisions that will actually work and that can be maintained, you need to respect the complexity of your relationship with the drug using loved one. Harm reduction does not mean you have to end a relationship to improve it. Nor is abstinence the basis for an improved life. Nor does a drug user have to hit rock bottom to change. Incremental changes in drug using behavior along with incremental improvements in emotional coping skills are realistic and achievable goals. Abstinence may come at some point but for most people with substance misuse problems it is almost never a first step. For families it means a new way of thinking about the issue.

A new way of thinking

We know that this new perspective is a lot to swallow. It goes against everything you’ve learned about what addiction is and how it should be treated. How can someone who is still drinking or using the very drugs that make everything worse get better? We’re asking you to develop an entirely new set of ideas about this person you love and his or her relationship with drugs and alcohol. Your ability to be helpful to this person, and take care of yourself, will be enhanced by a change of perspective.

Adapted by Tony Trimingham, Founder, Family Drug Support http://www.fds.org.au/, and Barry Lessin and Carol Katz Beyer, Co-founders, Families for Sensible Drug Policy (FSDP) http://fsdp.org/ from:

‘Over the Influence’ by Patt Denning, Jeannie Little and Adina Glickman: Guilford Press.

 

Join Us for International Family Drug Support Day 2018

Please join us with friends, families and coworkers in commemorating International Family Drug Support Day (IFDSD) 2018 with our global partners across the miles.

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The 1st National Family Drug Support Day (IFDSD) was held on February 24, 2016–the anniversary of the passing of our good friend Tony Trimingham’s beloved son Damien from a drug related overdose. Tony, the founder of Australia’s Family Drug Support, partnered with FSDP to bring IFDSD to the United States in 2017 and the day has now become an annual international event to highlight the need for families like ours to not only be recognized and heard but to be supported and encouraged to speak about their concerns and their needs.

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Thanks to all of the amazing participants who came out strong to make last years event a huge success! We are excited to unite old friends and welcome new ones, as we invite everyone to host a gathering—large or small–and raise awareness in your communities. Watch and share this important video about IFDSD with a heartfelt message by Tony.

THIS YEAR’S THEME IS #SUPPORTTHEFAMILYIMPROVETHE OUTCOME

The objectives of IFDSD are to:

  • Reduce stigma and discrimination for families and drug users
  • Promote family drug support services for families and friends
  • Promote harm reduction strategies for families and friends

In addition, the following issues will be highlighted:

  • The important role of FDS and FSDP volunteers in providing family support in the US, Australia, and the world
  • Reducing fatal and non­fatal overdoses from drugs including pharmaceuticals
  • Promoting the widespread availability of naloxone
  • Promote greater inclusion of family members in the decision making process for families experiencing problematic drug use
  • Promoting greater support and resources for treatment services for those who want it and need it

HERE’S WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR EVENT:

  • Be an ambassador for change in your neighborhood by raising awareness within your community
  • Request to meet with your local schools, doctors, political representatives, law enforcement and clergy and we will provide you with a tool kit and promotional materials to support you in your advocacy. Talking points for communicating with the public are here.
  • Invite friends, family or coworkers to share an informal gathering over food or coffee to share discussion and voice the issues.
  • Call your local state and federal legislators. To locate your US representative click here. Talking points for communicating with the legislators are here.
  • Host a harm reduction workshop
  • Invite stakeholders to participate in a naloxone training
  • Promote IFDSD on social media: #SupportTheFamilyImproveTheOutcome

All participants will receive a personal event page that will showcase your organization and identify you as a supporter of this important event.

We welcome your ideas so please feel to be as creative as you like. For more information of to forward your ideas please contact Barry Lessin barry@fsdp.org or Carol Katz Beyer carol@fsdp.org

Your tax-deductible gift will directly help fund our community-based events and reach more people to reduce stigma and discrimination for impacted families, promote better access to treatment and drug support services and encourage wider distribution of naloxone that will reduce fatal and non fatal drug overdoses.

We need your help to make sure that the voices of families continue to be heard. We invite you to stand with FSDP in our battle to empower families, restore health, and save lives.HandDonate

                                                     DONATE NOW!

 Your tax-deductible gift no matter how big or small will help us to forge ahead and change the way our policies and society interact with our families.

FSDP Testifies at the New York State Assembly Committee on Alcoholism And Drug Abuse

Thanks to our friends at VOCAL-NYFSDP was honored to be asked by New York State Assemblyperson Linda B. Rosenthal’s office to submit testimony to the NY State Assembly Standing Committee On Alcoholism And Drug Abuse on the adequacy of funding for prevention, treatment, and recovery services in New York State.
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Carol Katz Beyer and I had an opportunity to represent the voice of the family to share the family perspective acknowledging that on how to use funds to better ensure that life-saving harm reduction strategies and tools will get into the hands of families before problems develop and therefore be able to prevent many overdoses:

 

“The staggering number of people who are relapsing and dying is unacceptable despite having proven strategies to reduce mortality and improve care.  New York State has made it a priority to emphasize the need to address substance use disorder as a public health issue but we now must take the next steps to shift funding streams to enable universal access to proven life-saving public health tools such as medication-assisted treatment, naloxone, and harm reduction services.”

The full testimony can be found here.

FSDP is Proud Participant in #GIVINGTUESDAY 2017

#GivingTuesday is a global giving movement that has been built by individuals, families, organizations, businesses and communities in all 50 states and in countries around the world.download

Families for Sensible Drug Policy is a proud participant in this year’s campaign because our families impacted by the complex challenges surrounding substance use are in the throes of an unprecedented public health crisis.

Last year, 64,000 of our loved ones were lost to preventable overdose. So it is with a heavy heart that we must forge ahead to demand accountability for better access to lifesaving services for those still at risk. We must hold our federal government accountable to stand by their recent commitment to approach the opioid epidemic with a public health response, greater access to medication-assisted treatment, and wider availability of the opioid antidote naloxone.

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This year #GivingTuesday falls on November 28 and demonstrates how every act of generosity counts, and that they mean even more when we give together. It harnesses the collective power of a unique blend of partners to transform how people think about, talk about, and participate in the giving season. It inspires people to take collective action to improve their communities, give back in better, smarter ways to the charities and causes they believe in, and help create a better world.

FSDP is privileged to serve a growing network of families, professionals and advocates whose ardent stories bear testimony that seeks to implement our new paradigm of family support.  In partnership with Australia’s Family Drug Support, FSDP offers our families a harm reduction-informed continuum of care offering a full array of effective substance use disorder treatments on a public health continuum that are integrated with overdose prevention efforts.

Now more than ever, we must be vigilant and demand a continuum of care that is based on best practices and harm reduction—our loved ones do not need to be arrested to get better. Getting life-saving harm reduction strategies and tools into the hands of families BEFORE problems develop can prevent many of the overdoses. We do this with every other condition and we must advocate for the same for substance use issues.

We deserve to have these options readily available to us in our communities and homes. Our families deserve nothing less than the best care we have to offer. FSDP demands best practices as a baseline found in every other condition.

We need your help to make sure that the voices of families continue to be heard. We invite you to stand with FSDP in our battle to empower families, restore health, and save lives.

Your gift no matter how big or small will help us to forge ahead and change the way our policies and society interact with our families.

                                                             DONATE NOW

                                                         #GivingTuesday                                                         #FSDPfamiliesdemandbestpractices