Families Matter/Family Matters, Family Drug Support Day 2020 Edition!

Families Matter/Family Matters Family Drug Support Day 2020 Edition!

Welcome to the February 2020 edition of Family Matters – Families Matter, our new blog authored and curated by FSDP’s Guest Blogger–pioneering harm reduction therapist, educator, advocate and author Dee-Dee Stout.

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“No one has ever hated themselves into being a better f***ing person.”

— Vinny Ferraro, Co-Founder of DharmaPunx

Tough love.  It isn’t a new phrase; it’s also one that we’ve discussed here before.  But it felt like it was time to return to this still too often-used phrase as we celebrate International Family Support Day on February 24th and honor those who have died – and those who have survived as well as those who struggle still – and brought us here.  And I hope you’ll bear with me if I repeat myself in this piece though I’m hoping to discuss some new points too since it’s been nearly two years since I wrote the original blog on tough love (that 2-part blog can be found here from Summer 2018).  Thanks in advance as always!

I recently came across the quote I used at the top of this blog.  And I fell in love with it!  After all, isn’t this the point?  I mean, we professionals have been saying that “tough love” is necessary because it’s necessary to hold people responsible for their actions, to make them a better – more mature – person.  In reality, first of all, tough love has nothing to do with love.  We can certainly say that sometimes loving someone is tough, or that we need to have alternatives or options (some call these “boundaries” which is OK though I’d argue that this word has been co-opted by us professionals, like “enabling”, and now is just another over-used phrase designed to shame people who use drugs or other less socially-acceptable behaviors) to have relationships with many of our loved ones, whether they’re using drugs or not.  That’s simply a way to have healthier relationships in general.  And there’s no absolute right or wrong here either which is tough.  Simple binaries are so much easier!  I also fully appreciate that saying to ourselves, “I need to have boundaries!” seems to be the right thing to do or say especially when we’re talking about people we love who have also left us feeling exhausted and worse when trying to find a way to have a relationship with them that doesn’t also kill us.  I’ll only say one more thing about why I find this concept of boundaries a mistake:  when I say “I need to have boundaries” I’m usually focusing on the negative, what I won’t do for you versus looking at options, or what I am willing to do (I’ll give some specific examples of how to provide options later in this piece).   I also need to say upfront that my suggestions may not be right for you and your family; only you can make that decision.  That doesn’t make my ideas right or wrong, just simply not a good fit for you.  That’s OK.  In fact, it’s good that you know what’s best for your situation – what’s doable – for your family. This leads us to what drug treatment (or any professional help) needs to be for individuals and the rest of their family members:  individualized.  And that means just that – no manuals designed to fit anyone; no experts on what works; no rights-or-wrongs for everyone.  Just deep listening to people to help them determine a what’s-best-for-them-right-now, one possible course of action.  And I do mean “one possible course” as we all also need to be flexible because the only constant in life is that all things change, right?[1]

When dealing with someone who is using drugs in a less than healthy way (yes there are healthy ways to use any drug), here are a few ideas we harm reduction professionals suggest to improve conversations with members of our families who use drugs in a less healthy, problematic way.

  1. Breathe!  I know this sounds silly but I’m not kidding.  When humans get stressed out, one of the first things that happens physiologically is that we start to do more shallow breathing. It’s part of our instinctive and protective stress response system (think, “there’s a Saber-toothed Tiger out there waiting to eat me!”).  But we can learn to override that instinctiveness by practicing some simple breathing techniques when things are going well or are calm (doesn’t help to practice when things are stressed if you haven’t already figured that out ).  Here’s a simple one that I try to teach all my clients:

Breathe in deeply through your nose, hold for a moment,

then exhale through your mouth.  Repeat this at least 5 times

and each time practice lowering your shoulders

and relaxing your facial muscles, arms, and legs.

Note: If you’re still stressed, try adding this:  rub your hands together briskly until they get warm (when our hands are warm it fools our body for a moment into thinking it’s more relaxed.  That’s why folks are more relaxed at the beach, for example, in the sunshine than in the cold and rain).  Then repeat the above again until you’ve relaxed.  Please remember we’re not going for complete relaxation as that wouldn’t honor the reason you’re stressed in the first place (maybe you really do need to be afraid even if it’s not of a tiger).  Rather, try to go for stress-less.

  1. Don’t freak out. When we discuss our loved ones using drugs – especially kids/young people – (and please remember I mean ALL drugs including alcohol and tobacco), we tend to lose it.  And that’s understandable because we’re scared for our loved ones.  Sometimes literally scared for their lives.  So, here’s another to look at their drug use.  First of all, it can be helpful to remind ourselves that most people, some 80-90%, “mature out” of using drugs problematically as other things in life become more important (such as a job, or other responsibilities of life). This typically happens by age 25-30 for most people.  Secondly, ask yourself, “Would I be this upset/scared/angry, etc if they were snowboarding, or hang gliding, or driving race cars?”  In other words, try putting their drug use into the same mental category as any number of other risky behaviors that society usually tolerates or even praises.  Got it?  Good!  Now I’m not suggesting that there’s absolutely nothing to worry about.  No one has a crystal ball to see the future so we’re all guessing on this one. I just want to be sure that our emotional state is in proportion to the actual risk of the behavior, not our belief around whether drugs are good or bad (they’re neither as they are inanimate things which aren’t capable of such thoughts), or that any drug use is a risk for addiction (it’s not).  Perhaps it would surprise you to know that in the midst of an opiate crisis in many parts of our country, more parents call drug/addiction help lines scared for their child’s use of cannabis than any other drug, even though it’s now legal in many states[2].  While I certainly appreciate the concern, I’m more concerned generally about young peoples’ use of alcohol than any other drug including opiates (though again this all depends on the individual and even the area/State they live in).  As of 2019, 88,000 people died from alcohol-related illnesses.  This makes alcohol misuse the 3rd leading cause of preventable death in the US.[3]  However, when it comes to adolescents, I realize that their deaths from alcohol and/or tobacco will likely come later in life so we tend to dismiss it (for now) and focus more heavily on opiate misuse (and with some good reasons of late).  However, binge drinking is common amongst youth – especially on college campuses – and may lead to not only alcohol poisoning (which can be fatal) but also to impaired thinking regarding driving safely, sexual encounters, suicide risk, and more.  It’s not that opiates aren’t a problem; we just need to not forget about alcohol’s misuse – and other drugs – when we discuss problematic opiate use.
  1. Talk first. So many people I work with come to me with all sorts of reasonable concerns about a loved one’s behavior.  When I ask, “And how has your loved one responded to your concerns?” all too often I hear, “Well I haven’t brought it up; I’m afraid they’ll get upset with me.” Many parents will even ask me questions about a session I had with their child even when the child is in the room with us all.  I’m not judging these parents at all.  I’m simply saying that instead of practicing tough love, where we need to “toughen up” is on ourselves, to be willing to have these difficult conversations with those we love.  And with groups like Family Drug Support, CRAFT, and SMART Recovery for Families, we have better ways to learn to communicate with each other and especially with loved ones whose behaviors are scaring the bejesus out of us.  To provide an example from my own life, I recently had occasion to have such a difficult conversation with my son Jesse and daughter-in-law Cristina.  Bless her for her willingness to be the facilitator as it’s always more challenging to do so with your own family!  We spent several hours all total (which I normally don’t suggest, BTW) and here’s a few ideas on how we did our “challenging conversation” (and please, this isn’t shared to compare or to suggest you should things this way but rather to simply demonstrate how ours went as an example.  And my points are on reflection too, not what we’d purposefully laid out first though I’ll certainly hope this deconstruction may be of help to others as well as ourselves for our next conversation):
  • Warm up: We’d already talked by phone and decided that we’d have a first conversation when I came to Los Angeles (LA).  But Jesse also asked that we do something relaxing and interesting to us all beforehand.  For us that was a trip to Pasadena to the Huntington Gardens[4].  Jesse and I had been there when we lived in LA when he was a teen but that was a long time ago.  As they’re preparing to landscape their (mostly) reno’d LA home, this was something that we could do together, in public, that had a secondary purpose (relaxation) and was in a neutral place.  So, I guess you could describe this as a “safer environment” to ‘warm up’ for the later conversation we’d agreed to have (I’m now thinking of this as similar to warming up one’s muscles prior to a challenging work out).
  • Ask for help. Second, we had someone outside the family of origin facilitating.  Again, I’m in debt to my daughter in law for her taking on this role.  While she’s certainly part of the family (and has been for 5 years now) and has been witness to some of the tensions between Jesse and I, she has not been around since the start of those tensions nor been a part of them.  This is also where professionals can be helpful as long as they don’t have an agenda beyond enabling your conversation in as safe an environment as possible.  We had discussed (and contacted) a couple of professionals to possibly help us with this conversation but found for our schedules, it just wasn’t feasible (we had to reschedule my visit 3 times as it was due to all our schedule changes and this was my own last opportunity to go down to LA for several months).
  • Be realistic. Realize that everything is not going to be fixed nor all discussion concluded after this talk.  We left the conversation acknowledging that more work needed to be done, with each of us having items to individually work on.  While we didn’t set a specific date to return to this (again, schedules!), we did say it would generally be within the next 6 months.  That was more realistic for us than setting an actual date right then.  Being realistic AND committing to getting back to the conversation is better than trying to force everyone into something.  We also all needed some time to decompress and think about the conversation we’d just had.  It was very emotional and a real challenge to have -and we did it anyway.  We are all capable of doing hard things, especially when we know we’re not alone and we’re loved by the people we’re talking to!

And what could we have done better? One place we will improve for next time is on limiting the time for the conversation.  I believe we went too long.  We were all exhausted afterwards, had difficulty listening deeply by the end, and were a little more apt to take things personally as a result. I usually advise families when having family conversations to limit it to no more than an hour at a time, and sometimes even shorter.  I also suggest limiting the topic to one or 2 at the most.  It’s better to discuss one thing well in 15 minutes than to try to fit everything in that you’ve been wanting to discuss (sometimes for years by this point) in an hour or more.  While the sentiment is appreciated, in reality it often becomes overwhelming to everyone.  And this feeling can be dangerous for those of us who use drugs problematically since if the conversations becomes too great of a stressor, we will be tempted to turn to drugs to alleviate some of those uncomfortable feelings.  Folks have even been known to overdose at times like this (this is also a usual occurrence in 12-Step fellowships after members do their “4th Step”[5] for instance.  More on that another time) due to using more than usual as their heart rate and breathing are increased along with other events.[6]

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4. The Bouquet of Options. In the book Motivational Interviewing[7], Drs. William Miller & Stephen Rollnick describe offering clients a “bouquet of options” regarding behavior change.  Think of this as a buffet not a prix fixe dinner.  So in families, the challenge is to come up with alternatives to tough love.  I love to say to clients, “OK so I know what you’re NOT willing to talk about/change, which leaves me curious about what you ARE willing to discuss/change at this point.”   It’s the same in families.  Maybe you can’t let your loved one live in your home anymore. I get it.  So what CAN you do?  The statement to your loved one might be something like this: “Your mother/father/whomever and I love you very much and we really want you to know that.  And we know that you’re doing the best you can right now & that you’re much more than a drug user!  We are going to need you to find another place to live right now because we’re just not OK with illegal drugs being in the house.  But, we’d be happy/delighted/willing to help you find somewhere else to live because we want you – all of us – to be as safe as possible.  Would that be helpful? Or perhaps there’s something else you can think of that would be helpful that we can discuss?” The idea is to state your love first (possibly including that you do see your loved one as more than their behavior, no matter what that behavior is), that you appreciate their use of drugs is complicated and with reason(s), and that some specific behavior is making you or others feel less safe and so can’t continue.  Then you offer an idea of what you ARE willing to do and suggest that you’re willing to negotiate other options as well.  This does NOT mean that you are obliged to do whatever they ask; your obligation is simply to listen.  And sometimes this approach doesn’t work.  However, in my experience, family members generally feel better with this approach both about how they interacted with their loved one and that they had more to offer them than simply to say “no” or threaten.  This approach also leaves the door open for everyone to bring new ideas back to the table.

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5. Love smarter. This is probably the biggest takeaway from all our conversations on Facebook and in general at FSDP and Family Drug Support[8].  I’ve often advised my training attendees and students to “work smarter not harder” (thank you to the cartoon character Uncle Scrooge McDuck, who was the first one I ever heard say this phrase).  And this will mean different things in different environments, absolutely.   For me, in part, it means speaking up about things that others do that hurt me or that I don’t like.   But it also means stopping for a moment to consider that, if they’re an adult, I don’t need to like everything my loved one decides to do, whether that’s drug use or not going to college.  So then the conversation with myself is “how do I love this person and show that AND disagree with some of their life choices?” Frankly, it’s easier to just cut people off.  Any alternative to tough love takes hard work, conversation, and may still turn out badly.  There simply are no guarantees in life (except death),

“It is possible to make no mistakes and still lose.  That’s called life.”

—Sir Patrick Steward as Capt. Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek TNG

And so, on this International Family Support Day 2020, I hope you’re finding some options for you and your loved ones whatever behaviors/changes you all are trying to make!  And if I may, I’d like to remind us all that trying is doing – something.  It’s also in the trying that all long-term change begins so let’s all try more!  We’ll pick up more on that idea in the Spring Edition.  Cheers!

Dee-Dee

www.deedeestoutconsulting.com

All photos courtesy of unsplash.com

 

[1] Paraphrased from Heraclitus, Greek philosopher. https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/heraclitus/

[2] In part this is due to the false claim we as a country made many years ago that marijuana is a “gateway” drug.  This research was found to be flawed and we have since retracted this claim though many people are not aware of that. Here’s one source but there are many:  https://www.drugpolicy.org/sites/default/files/DebunkingGatewayMyth_NY_0.pdf

[3] Accessed 2.12.20:  https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/alcohol-facts-and-statistics

[4] https://www.huntington.org//

[5] Step Four in AA is “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”  This is often followed immediately with Step Five, “Admitted to God, ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (1987ed), AA World Services. NYC.

[6] “Drug, Set, Setting” (1986) by Dr. Norman Zinberg, MD discusses this concept and more.

[7] For more on this evidence-based conversational method, go to https://motivationalinterviewing.org/

[8] https://www.fds.org.au/about-us

JOIN US for Beyond Binary: Rethinking Cannabis and Solutions to the Overdose Crisis!

⏰ Friends in the NYC area, SAVE THE DATE for Beyond Binary: Rethinking Cannabis and Solutions to the Overdose Crisis!

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Tue, November 26, 2019
1:30 PM – 4:00 PM EST

Brooklyn Law School
205 State Street
Brooklyn, NY 11201

Please JOIN US for a not-to-be-missed, illuminating and thought-provoking afternoon at Brooklyn Law School with Harry Nelson, the nation’s leading healthcare attorney and the author of “The United States of Opioids: A Prescription for Liberating a Nation in Pain”; award-winning neuroscience journalist and the author of “Unbroken Brain,” Maia Szalavitz; and harm reduction pioneer, Joseph Turner, the President/CEO and Co-Founder of Exponents!

Our featured experts will explore the interwoven topics of how approaches to the Overdose Crisis are informed by cannabis reform, and the ongoing evolution of policy. The event is FREE and SEATS ARE LIMITED. (Refreshments and snacks will be served!) Sign up now!

Repping the Family Voice at DPA’s Reform Conference!

What:  Repping the Family Voice at DPA’s Reform Conference!

When: November 6-9, 2019
Where: St. Louis, MO
http://www.reformconference.org/
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Why: Families for Sensible Drug Policy will be repping the family voice at Drug Policy Alliance’s Reform conference! Carol Katz Beyer and FSDP Secretary-Treasurer Rory Fleming will both be present to speak to harm reduction advocates across the nation and world about our innovative programs like Family Drug Support! We will also be attending to meet with other Open Society Foundations grantees for an upcoming push in New Jersey to replace tough love approaches with evidence-based public health endeavors and compassionate policies.

Let’s Honor International Family Drug Support Day on February 24!

Welcome to the February 2019 edition of Family Matters – Families Matter, our new blog authored and curated by FSDP’s Guest Blogger–pioneering harm reduction therapist, educator, advocate and author Dee-Dee Stout.

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This month, Dee Dee, with her exuberance and energy, explains why International Family Drug Support Day means so much to so many of us… 

Join us in honoring International Family Support Day on February 24, 2019!! Please follow us on Facebook and check out our website at fsdp.org for more information.

Hello everyone and happy 2019!!

I’ve had a remarkably busy start to the New Year as perhaps some of you have as well, meaning there was no blog for January.  My apologies!  As the Lunar/Chinese New Year just passed, it seems a good time to discuss the new partnership between FSDP and Family Drug Support Australia.  Having attended the engaging and insightful training in NYC with Tony Trimingham (www.fds.org.au) at Dr. Andrew Tatarsky’s Center for Optimal Living site, I want to speak about the work of both these organizations as we prepare to commemorate International Family Drug Support Day (2/24).  This date is important to Tony personally as this is the date his own son, Damien, died of a drug-related overdose in 1997 (see https://vimeo.com/249347700 for more from Tony).  Each year Tony and his team have chosen a topic on which to focus.  This year it’s #SUPPORTTHEFAMILYIMPROVETHE OUTCOME.

31 years ago when I began my journey into traditional recovery, there was family support built into the rehab I entered.  There was even a program for my young son, Jesse, though that program was an additional fee.  But the Family Program, which met every Saturday during my treatment stay, was vibrant!  In those days, the family was too often seen as part of the problem however (think “enabler” and “codependent”, labels I would never use today though many professionals still do).  Today we know that family[1] support is crucial to long-lasting change to happen for those with problem alcohol and other drug use.

Families have lacked support in their struggles and in daily living with those they love with problems using drugs (including alcohol).  International Family Support Day is one way to highlight the need for families like outs at FSDP to not only be recognized and heard but also supported and encourage to speak out regarding their concerns and their needs, including the needs of their loved ones with problematic drug use.  One saying that I love is this: “If my family member had died of cancer or heart disease or a car accident, neighbors would be bringing me a casserole.  Not so with addiction.”  We at FSDP say we want to see casseroles!

One of the biggest and fastest growing areas of family work in addictions is the notion that abstinence doesn’t have to be the final goal.  In my world, I call this Harm Reduction Recovery™ (HRR).  Recovery without abstinence is entirely possible but it does require thinking out of the norm!  HRR can be a goal to itself or perhaps it’s a stepping stone on one’s path to abstinence – or something in between.  Families see that the most important first goal is keeping their loved one(s) alive.  That means for many families, requiring that they throw their loved one out when they exhibit the very symptoms we want them to seek treatment for is no longer an option.  As my aunt (who’s taught me a ton about families, addiction, and harm reduction) said, “He’s my child.  I’m not going to be able to sleep at night worried that he’s not only using drugs but now he’s alone on the streets.  I don’t need more to worry about; I need less.”  More and more families are speaking out against easy “solutions” like exiting their loved ones.  They’ve come to the realization that my aunt did:  throwing your loved one out may not be the best solution.  In fact it may increase your own stress and add more trauma to all involved which doesn’t lead to a reduction of drug use.  In fact, it often leads to an increase.  We have learned that the opposite of recovery isn’t harm reduction but rather zero tolerance (and tough love).  And we will NOT enable these concepts to rule us anymore.

Speaking of tough love, refusing to participate in this concept is another area of growth in family addictions work.  We’ve learned through research that many problem drug users are using alcohol and other drugs to soothe trauma(s) they have experienced in life.  Addiction is definitely enabled by, if not always directly caused by, trauma(s).  We also know that having a trauma history can be a barrier to seeking help (lack of trust; fear of others’ judgments; lack of confidence; distrust of healthcare professionals, and more).  Therefore again, if we want our loved ones to seek help, we must be willing to reduce/do away with as many barriers as possible.  Demanding abstinence can be a huge barrier; insisting that problem drug users “hit bottom” is a re-traumatization which also increases barriers.  Families are converging and demanding better for their dollars from rehab providers and other professionals.  We at FSDP are behind them all the way!

Families for Sensible Drug Policy (or FSDP) was founded by Barry Lessin, a therapist working in the addictions field, and Carol Katz Beyer, a mom who lost 2 of her 3 young adult sons to drug-related overdoses.  She knows a thing or two about what it’s like to change your approach to drug treatment/rehab and drug users!  As we head into International Family Drug Support Day (IFDSD), here are a few things Carol and the gang at FSDP want you to know about this special day:

The objectives of IFDSD are to:

  • Reduce stigma and discrimination for families and drug users (bring on the casseroles!)
  • Promote family drug support services for families and friends (all treatment needs to include all players)
  • Promote harm reduction strategies for families and friends (no more tough love or zero tolerance)

In addition, the following issues will be highlighted around the world by all participating in this event:

  • Establishing the important role of FDS and FSDP volunteers in providing family support in the US, Australia, and the world
  • Reducing fatal and non­fatal overdoses from drugs including pharmaceuticals
  • Promoting the widespread availability of naloxone
  • Promoting greater inclusion of family members in the decision-making process for families experiencing problematic drug use
  • Promoting greater support and resources for treatment services for those who want it and need it – and appropriate alternatives for those not yet ready

For more on what you can do in your area – or if you have an idea of your own – please contact Carol Katz Beyer at carol@fsdp.org.

The take-away:  please join us this year on February 24 to honor International Family Drug  Support Day in any way that feels right to you.  I’ll be lighting my candle that night for all those using drugs problematically and their families of chance and/or choice, as well as those lost to this complicated condition we call “addiction”.  I’ll also be saying a “thank you” to my son, Jesse Lee, my late former husband (Bob) and my late in-laws (Rhett & Faren) for their constant, unconditional love and support while I developed a path to recover me.  I’m also lighting my candle for my friends who were with me in the beginning and those who are with me now and those who will be with me in the future.  Without them all, I would not be here and for that, I will always be grateful and will continue to work for the voice of all in addiction to be heard and honored. Support the Family, Change the Outcome.  It’s a recovery revolution and the time is now.

[1] Let me define “family” here:  One type is the family you’re born into which I call your “family of chance.”  The other is the one you create which I call your “family of choice.”  Sometimes they are the same of course.  The important point is that you need not have a “family of chance” present, but you must have a family of choice then.  All humans need community in some form as we are social beings.  How much and what kind is up to the individual.

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PLEASE SUPPORT OUR FAMILIES!

Holy Holidays, Batman!…Or Ten Ways to Get Through the Holidays

HandDonate

PLEASE SUPPORT OUR FAMILIES!

Welcome to our Holiday Special Blog, the December 2018 edition of Family Matters – Families Matter, our new blog authored and curated by FSDP’s Guest Blogger–pioneering harm reduction therapist, educator, advocate and author Dee-Dee Stout.

This month, Dee Dee, in her own inimitable style, shares some essential tips to navigate the holiday season in empowering ways…

To join our growing community of enlightened friends and advocates sign up here now.

Hello all! Here we are at the end of 2018 – and of my blogs for this year! Thank you all for your support and your readership! I have truly appreciated all the comments and shares over these past few months. And I’ve discovered just how much I love to do research on these topics!

In the past five months we’ve talked about the dangers and origins of Tough Love; recovering the word “recovery;” and Harm Reduction strategies for families. I know I promised 12 “Ways to Get Through the Holidays” but you know, I found myself doing only 10, perfect for counting on both hands! I hope you won’t be too disappointed. Most importantly, remember our 2018 take away for all families and their loved ones through this sometimes treacherous time:

It really is all about the love – and love is never tough!

love tree

So, who knows what the new year will bring. I know I’m eager to see 2019 and I haven’t felt that way in a long time. For the New Year, what ideas and suggestions do you have for new topics and conversations? Please write to me at deedeestoutconsulting@gmail.com and let me know. See you all next year!

Holy Holidays, Batman!

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Xmas trees

Holidays. I love them and hate them.

And regardless of which camp you fall into – or perhaps you’re in the “in between” camp – the winter holidays can be a challenge to navigate, especially when there’s added drug use (yes, I mean that tasty eggnog or rum punch too) by many involved. As I sit here with all my research and ideas in front of me, it occurs to me that I can’t think of anything to add to an incredible list of “do’s and don’ts” already available all over the internet and social media.

But that said, perhaps it’s worth revisiting some ideas with a “reduction-of-harm-to-all” bent – and so here goes (OK to sing your fave holiday tune along to these 10 tips, too. Ho ho ho!).

1. Eat light

One of the best tips we can use is to save those heavy conversations for another time. Sure, there will be exceptions to this, but the holidays are already such a heavy meal in so many ways that experts suggest benching the Big Convos until after things have settled down, including our stomachs. So what’s one thing we can do to lighten the mood?

Perhaps we can simply focus on the positives this season and save the less positives for later. That’s a tip for all seasons according to CMC’s 20 Minute Guides for Parents & Partners. What do we mean by this? Think of finding positive things – called “reinforcers” – to say to your loved ones – family, friends, and those using drugs problematically. And here’s why: “The value in reinforcing positive behavior…is that it can start to compete with the reinforcing effects of drugs and alcohol. In essence, your [loved one] can learn to “feel good” in other ways rather than using drugs/alcohol.”[1]

John Gottman, the famous couples therapist, has stated that we need a “magic ratio” of 5 positive statements for every 1 that we make to someone. Dr. Gottman and his team successfully predicted divorce with 94% accuracy in 700 couples 10 years after scoring their negative-to-positive responses in one 15-minute conversation.[2] That’s pretty darned “magic” indeed. We see similar results in workplace conversations as well. So lighten up on the negatives and accentuate the positive statements this holiday season. You might see a greater gift than you ever expected

2. Hang out in the bathroom

This is something I suggest to those trying to reduce or eliminate their drug use as a place to be alone and use a quick meditation. (side note:  I realize that for some this can also be a triggering place for both families and their loved ones using drugs so like all good suggestions, please use your discretion as to whether any of these are right for you). But this is also a terrific exercise for anyone to use for a quick fix. This exercise is known as “The Ball and Triangle.”[3] I learned it from the developer, Terry Gorski, back in the 90’s. And it can be done anywhere, with your eyes open or closed. Here it is:

To start, take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth, like a big sigh. Now imagine there’s an equal-sided triangle floating in space in front of you. In one corner of the triangle there’s a small ball, just sitting. On your next inhale, move the ball up the side of the triangle. On your exhale, allow the ball to fall back into its original place. Do this until you feel as relaxed as you desire.

There are many ways to get creative with this brief meditation too so feel free to experiment; make it your own.

3. Just like real estate: it’s all about location, location, location

One thing that I hear from families and their loved ones is that the location of the festivities is important. Some places encourage nostalgia though may also bring up tension. It may be helpful to discuss the location of events with the whole family. See how everyone feels. I have found with my own family that eating out at a local restaurant can be wonderful: a) everyone’s food intolerances can be honored; b) most folks will be on their best behavior when in public and finally c) no one has to do the dishes! Perhaps grandma’s or dad’s special chocolate pecan pie at Aunt Cristina’s house can be an alternative.

4. BYOB: Bring your own bottles

Even if you’re not the one with the drinking/other drug problem, it might be a good idea to limit your intake. The very best way to do this is to first, bring your own fave beverage. I’m a big fan of Pellegrino so typically carry a couple of bottles with me (I even bring a baggie of lime slices). That way I know what will be served. If you’re moderating your drinking especially, it’s really important not to get dehydrated which is easy to do in a heated room with booze. So experts suggest drinking water between alcoholic beverages. Again, an easy way to reduce your intake – and possible help stave off a nasty hangover too. Be sure to eat something as drinking on an empty stomach is never advised. Also food will help to absorb some of the alcohol which will keep your overall blood alcohol levels down. Finally since alcohol is known as a “social lubricant” for good reason, you might consider who you’d like to be in charge of your emotional state during this event (see # on Lizard Brain). But if you want to indulge more than usual, remember the previous tips and to call Lyft this holiday season. It’s so easy not to drive while intoxicated now – and expensive to get caught.

pup and mistletoe

5. Find support where you can

Hug your pet. See old friends. Go to a meeting at a support group, or a service at your local synagogue, church, temple, or mosque. Volunteer and make new friends. Lots of ways today to stay in touch with others even if only through social media. Visit someone in a nursing home or senior housing. Take a plate of cookies to a neighbor you’ve never met because you’re working all the time (no, they don’t have to be homemade).

6. Like a good photograph, mind your exposure.

If you’re spending time with those that irritate you, do so gently. It’s OK to limit the time you’re with those you love. This is your holiday, too.

7. Rest when you can

For many of us, the holidays are an expenditure of more energy. Sometimes more than we can muster! So resting and sleeping well are crucial to having the outcomes we want. You can think of rest as our body’s need to regenerate its resources to allow us to think before we eat, act, or wind up somewhere we didn’t want to go. I’ve learned that I can’t engage my mind when it’s running on empty, which leaves me with Lizard Brain[4] in control. Now I’m OK with old Lizard Brain having some fun once in a while but not all the time and especially not when I’m going to be in an emotionally challenging situation

8. Cravings aren’t just for drug users

Yes, you heard me right! I like to think of cravings as the body’s way to say “Holy crap, Batman, I need something – help!” The difference for families is that there aren’t any medications for your cravings (and yes I know there aren’t meds for all chemical cravings too but let’s ignore that for now). You may have physical or emotional cravings for all sorts of things from food to the latest mystery to taking a ski weekend in Banff. Whatever it is, it’s just possible that your body/mind is trying to tell you something. We want to learn from our emotions and not be afraid of them or ignore them. We all know the holidays are overfilled with stress so perhaps we can take a page from relapse prevention for drug users and learn to “urge surf”. Here’s how to do it[5]. And you can keep your eyes open or closed them as you find most comfortable:

First, think of something in your real life that’s challenging for you, something that actually triggers some strong emotions (be gentle with yourself here though. Nothing too tender please!). As you think about this challenging behavior or event, imagine that you’re NOT reacting in the moment with that usual strong emotion (you’ll be responding to the situation soon). As you’re thinking about this event, be mindful of where you’re sitting: how does it feel? Are you comfortable? Plant your feet gently and firmly on the floor if you’re sitting. Let your breath gently come in and out of your nose and notice the rising and falling of your chest/lungs. Now once again, think about the triggering circumstance. Really see yourself there at the moment and bring yourself right up to the moment that you’d typically lose your temper, or be overcome with sadness, or even use a drug/take a drink. Here we might think it’s a good idea to push away these strong emotions or swing the opposite way and give in to the emotion/behavior. Instead, I’m going to ask you to just be curious about this emotion and event without reaction. Ask yourself these questions: 1) what does the feeling really “feel” like? Where is it located in your body? 2) what about this situation/feeling feels intolerable? Can you stay with it and relax into it rather than get overwhelmed by the situation/feeling? 3) what is it you really need right now?

Finally, imagine that the feeling your experiencing is a wave on an ocean. You’re riding this wave like a surfer, using your breath as your surfboard. All you need to do right now is focus on your breath going in and out of your lungs and imagine that surfboard riding the waves like Bethany Hamilton! You’re able to keep your balance in spite of feeling a little frightened. Up and down, in and out, you’re riding your board; you’re not allowing the wave to push you off. This is “urge surfing”.

When you begin to feel relaxed and able to respond instead of reacting to a situation or feeling, you can let the board bring you home. Notice how you were able to ride the wave and not succumb to its power but rather allow it to be what it is: just a wave…and it will end. When you’re ready, come on back to the room while you let go of the triggering situation you were thinking of. Take a few deep cleansing breaths and know that you’ve got this! Bethany would be proud!free hugs

 

9. Ho, ho, ho!

I always encourage humor and lots of laughter during the winter holidays (actually I encourage it all the time!). Laugh till your face hurts. Be silly as often as possible. I read a piece recently on a family holding an “Ugly Christmas Sweater” contest with the winner getting a gift card to a favorite store. Wonderful idea! We humans are a pretty funny lot all in all and this is the perfect time of year to embrace that.

Movies are another great way to bring laughter into a room and there are some terrific old and newer holiday films that will make you pee your pants (in my family, it’s “A Christmas Story” hands down!).   Anything from “The Grinch” and “Charlie Brown Christmas” to “Bad Santa” and “Die Hard” are considered holiday fair game. Or perhaps you’re the sentimental type and look forward to watching your favorite heart-wrenching, tear-jerker each holiday. No problem! Those films are available as well (anyone for “It’s a Wonderful Life” or “White Christmas?”). Just be sure to temper those tears with some belly laughs

10 The holidays are a trip!

And they are literally for many of us! Traveling these days can be a trial-by-fire experience. Some quick tips: 1) Only use a carry-on bag 2) Bring something to read/watch/play and 3) slow down on imbibing early (planes really suck the moisture out of every part of us and alcohol makes it worse). For more excellent tips on everything “travel” this holiday season, check out Cheap Flights Survival Guide: www.cheapflights.com/news/holiday-season-travel-survival-guide

Bottom line for the season: Do your best, let go of the guilt/shame, and have as much fun as possible. That sounds like a pretty good recipe for 2019 to me, too. In fact, I think I’ve just found my 2019 New Year’s resolution. How about you?

chinese lanterns

[1] The Parent’s 20 Minute Guide by CMC: Center for Motivation & Change. (2016) Center for Motivation & Change. NY, NY. p93.

[2] https://www.ocde.us/PBIS/Documents/Articles/Positive+$!26+Negative+Ratio.pdf. Accessed 12.18.2018.

[3] https://terrygorski.com/2014/05/08/magic-triangle-relaxation-method/. Note: the Ball and Triangle exercise is now called the Magic Triangle Relaxation Method. Accessed 12.18.2018.

[4] The limbic system aka Lizard Brain is the seat of our emotions and the oldest known part of our brains.

[5] Bowen, S, Chawla, N. & Marlatt, G. (2011) Mindfulness-Based Relapse Prevention for Addictive Behaviors: A Clinician’s Guide. Guilford Press. NY, NY.

Introducing “FSDP Presents”: A Podcast Brought to You By Our New Partners at The Social Exchange!

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PLEASE SUPPORT OUR FAMILIES!

FSPD is excited to announce our partnership with The Social Exchange, a brainchild of the brilliant Zach Rhoads and Aaron Ferguson.

26233524_10103289292747830_6908264666812993265_oThe Social Exchange interviews the world’s leading intellectuals about a variety of social topics: addiction, social science, philosophy, and many more.  Zach is a masterful interviewer and through their podcasts they offer listeners cutting-edge information about each topic.

What’s refreshing and unique is that there is no rule that the conversations are agreeable or comfortable. However, each conversation is guided by an honest, information-seeking style of dialectic. On The Social Exchange, ideas are challenged, people are respected.

As part of the partnership, FSDP will have the opportunity each month to select an FSDP community member to be interviewed on the podcast on a segment called” FSDP Presents”. We’re proud to have Glen Carner, Licensed Mental Health Counselor  from Hawaii as the inaugural podcast guest. Glen has a paradigm-shifting outpatient addiction counseling program, Family and Addiction Counseling LLC  that uses a collaborative harm reduction approach that coordinates care for his clients with relevant community supports whenever possible. As you’ll hear in the podcast, he blends his expertise with unbounding enthusiasm and a passion to work with individuals and families impacted by substance use.

You can hear the podcast here and learn more about Zach’s work with The Social Exchange on their Patreon page here.

NEXT UP ON “FSDP PRESENTS”: Kenneth Anderson, a pioneer of alcohol harm reduction and Founder of the HAMS Network: Harm Reduction, Abstinence, and Moderation Support.

FSDP Co-founder Carol Katz Beyer Represents the Family Voice at Rutgers University School of Law

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FSDP was privileged to have co-founder Carol Katz Beyer invited to participate on an international panel of experts at the Rutgers University School of Law on October 31, 2018. Randy Thompson, founder of Help Not Handcuffs hosted the discussion on “Drug Decriminalization: The Triumph of Human Rights and Health over the Drug War”45144582_2393306420685983_7391489221489328128_n

Randy Thompson, founder of Help Not Handcuffs, in conjunction with The Open Society Foundations (OSF), The Rutgers Criminal Law Society and the Rutgers Public Interest Law Student Association, coordinated the event featuring Dr.João Goulão, the Portuguese Drug Czar, Kasia Malinowska, Director of the Global Drug Policy Program at OSF, Tess Borden, Staff Attorney for the ACLU-NJ and Carol Katz Beyer of FSDP as speakers.

What was detailed was nothing short of amazing! Portugal, which decriminalized all drugs has almost non-existent overdose deaths. In Portugal, harm reduction is so well developed that it is significantly reduced overdose deaths and the spread of HIV/AIDS and HepC; and they provide superior treatment on demand for those who want it, at less than 1/10th of the cost to taxpayers compared to the New Jersey system

Kasia engaged Dr. Goulão in a conversation and he brilliantly articulated the history of how the Portugal model came to be. He illustrated that change is possible when the goal is to elevate society through the lens of public health with strategies and solutions rooted in compassion and science.

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Panel, from left: Dr. João Goulão, Kasia Malinowska, Tess Borden, Carol Katz Beyer

Tess detailed the egregious human rights violations that the US policies of prohibition and criminalization are inflicting on families.

Carol eloquently elucidated the issues and harms that our families needlessly suffer as a consequence of the war on drugs as well as recommended public health solutions. Carol said, “I cannot express enough how privileged I felt to be present in the company of Dr. João Goulão who articulated so poignantly what transformative solutions in drug policy reform look like”.

Immense appreciation and thanks go to Randy, who did a tremendous job organizing this important event and skillfully moderating. There was a robust Q and A afterwards as audience members representing Rutgers law students, healthcare professionals, and community members.

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Host/Moderator Help Not Handcuffs founder Randy Thompson

I cannot express enough how privileged I felt to be present in the company of Dr. João Goulão who articulated so poignantly what transformative solutions in drug policy reform look like–FSDP co-founder Carol Katz Beyer.

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Attendees included FSDP co-founder Barry Lessin and FSDP members Anne Earle and Lisa Raphael

Because of your ongoing support, we are bringing our communities together, empowering families, restoring health and saving lives!

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FSDP at The 12th National Harm Reduction Conference in New Orleans, LA

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Thanks to the generosity and support of our friends and stakeholders Team FSDP attended the 12th National Harm Reduction Conference #harmred18 in New Orleans, LA, October 18-21, representing a growing number of families who are adversely impacted by the unprecedented public health crisis surrounding substance use.

This biennial event brought together some of the most creative minds from the US and abroad to address a myriad of complex issues facing the harm reduction movement. A diverse community of people who use drugs, social justice activists, service providers, healthcare workers, researchers, policymakers, public health officials, and law enforcement gathering together determined to put an end to the harms and injustices caused by the War on Drugs.

FSDP is dedicated to serving the needs of our families and our participation in this conference is a heartfelt expression to honor our loved ones who have been lost to overdose and to save the lives of those who remain at risk.

 

FSDP co-founders Carol Katz Beyer and Barry Lessin were privileged to be invited to join harm reduction pioneer and visionary Patt Denning, Ph.D. on her panel: “Loving Someone Who Loves Drugs and Alcohol.”

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Patt outlined specific strategies for family members and friends based on guiding principles of harm reduction including “there are no rules except the ones you make”, “establish your absolute limits”, affirm your values, “identify what’s most important for you” and “tough love is neither, and it feels bad to all”.

The packed meeting room was inspired by Carol sharing how her lived experience inspired her to advocate for impacted families by creating a space to powerfully speak the truth to the powers that be in the broken treatment-industrial complex.

Barry gave an overview of the work of FSDP and shared how family and friends can become empowered by being open to reality-based harm reduction information and sharing it with peers, planting seeds of hope in their communities.

Our dedicated team was on hand to welcome attendees at our exhibit table continuing the conversation, networking and providing conference attendees with educational materials, tutorials and resources.

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Thank you Juan Fernandez Ochoa for sending us the Support Don’t Punish t-shirts. They were a big hit!

The 2018 Harm Reduction Conference comes at a time when harm reduction, health care, and drug policy reform have entered a dynamic and critical phase. The prescription opioid and heroin overdose epidemic has captured national attention, with renewed focus on transmission of HIV and Hep C among people who use drugs. These trends are reshaping the policy and public health landscapes, making harm reduction more urgent and relevant than ever before.

Because of your ongoing support, we are bringing our communities together, empowering families, restoring health and saving lives!HandDonate

Welcome Family Drug Support USA This Giving Tuesday!


GT Tony
GivingTuesday is a global day of giving fueled by the power of social media and collaboration.

Celebrated on the Tuesday following Thanksgiving, (November 27 in the U.S.) and the widely recognized shopping events Black Friday and Cyber Monday,

FSDP is excited to announce that starting at 5am PST on November 27, Facebook and PayPal will contribute a total of $7M to partner with our stakeholders and match any donation to your designated nonprofit of choice! Giving Tuesday is a not to be missed opportunity to help us support more families by bringing Family Drug Support USA to communities across the nation. Our Facebook friends can also have their gifts matched by using the fundraising for nonprofits option on Facebook for which includes birthday fundraisers and the donate button feature

As a mother, Carol Katz Beyer, who has been personally impacted by the devastating loss of her two children Bryan and Alex, was inspired to co-found Families for Sensible Drug Policy with Barry Lessin to regain control of our families’ health by collaborating with our stakeholders to implement a new paradigm of care and support based on compassion, science, public health and human rights.

Please read this heartfelt message from Tony Trimingham to learn more about Family Drug Support:


“When someone dies as a result of illicit drugs, it is estimated that on average they lose 35 years of their lives (compared to 5 years for nicotine and 15 years for alcohol). Not only does this rob the person of a chunk of their life, it has a massive impact on their family. When my 23-year-old son died from a heroin overdose, not only did I experience profound grief and shock, there was excruciating pain and a massive impact on me, and all my family. If I could get to sleep (which was rare) I would dream of him being alive, then I would wake up to the nightmare. I found myself breaking down on an almost daily basis, and simple everyday tasks became difficult.

 My wife and friends who were suffering their own grief had to cope with my not coping. I would hear his voice in public places and thought I saw him walking along the street. For the first 6 years after he died this level of pain continued and it took a long time before I was able to smile again and enjoy the normal things in life. It is now 21 years and while the pain has subsided and is not as acute, there isn’t a day go by where I don’t feel sad, and miss my son. I have missed out on conversation with him, possible grandchildren, and seeing him progress through life. I have had similar conversation and reflections with hundreds of other families who have lost people, and suffer the same anguish. For this reason, Family Drug Support believes that keeping people alive and safe is the first priority when it comes to dealing with problematic drug use.

In my work with Family Drug Support, I have spoken to more bereaved families in the last six months than I have in the last six years. This is because of the increase in the use of legal opiates, and also because street heroin is back on the radar. The truly sad fact is that these deaths, along with those at music festivals from taking pills, are completely preventable.”

Family Drug Support Training is an opportunity to work directly with Tony Trimingham in an experiential workshop learning specific skills using harm reduction principles and the psychological approach of motivational interviewing to deliver support to those in need. People that successfully complete the training will be able to bring this peer to peer support to their communities.

Please click here for more information about Family Drug Support USA

Meet Tony Trimingham in this video describing the workshop.

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Our families desperately need your help and we urge you to join us as part of a long term solution that will keep our loved ones safe, connected and plugged in to the services that will keep them alive. A watershed moment reflecting our nation’s most significant public health disaster, requires that we as a nation embrace a multi-tiered and realistic approach towards prevention, education and access to healthcare services.

Your donation no matter how big or small helps save lives by forwarding our mission to deliver the message of harm reduction to communities around the world. Please help us reduce overdoses and empower families by educating and advocating for progressive solutions for family support based on science, compassion, public health and human rights.HandDonate

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Sign up HERE to receive our newsletter stay informed on the latest news and events.

Thanks so much being a valued friend to our community. Your generosity and support is  really appreciated and will help make our family voice be heard.

September is Recovery Month: Reinventing Recovery

 

Welcome to the September 2018 edition of Family Matters – Families Matter, our new blog authored and curated by FSDP’s Guest Blogger–pioneering harm reduction therapist, educator, advocate and author Dee-Dee Stout. To learn more about how your family can join our growing community of enlightened friends and advocates sign up here now.

In the first of a series of our Fall 2018 blogs, since September is Recovery Month for SAMHSA, this seemed the perfect time to write about the word, or concept of, “recovery” specifically as it’s typically applied in substance use disorder (or “addiction”) treatment.

September is also the traditional “back to school” month and many of us have kids who are returning to school or perhaps young adults transitioning to college. This is a good time to to review constructive ways to talk to our kids about alcohol and other drugs, and also to take a new look at treatment, drug policy, binge drinking. and how to negotiate the holidays  Therefore, for the remainder of 2018, our blogs will take a look at those topics and more. See you next month! #recoverywithoutabstinence #stopthestigma #familiesmatter

And now our 2018 “Recovery Month” edition:

Reinventing Recovery

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Photo by Toa Heftiba from unsplash.com

Usually when we hear (or often use) the term “recovery”, it has a very specific meaning: nearly always 12-Step oriented, abstinence-only based, and says to us this is a disease you’ll have forever. I want to definitively make the case for a new kind of recovery in the world of addiction(s): an “inclusive v exclusive” recovery that does not require the elements we’re used to – including abstinence – but whose definition can certainly contain it …and so much more. 

Recovery. It’s a truly loaded word (pun intended). Let’s go on a bit of a journey to see how and from where our concept(s) of recovery stems as it’s a word that comes with a lot of baggage, both positive and less than positive.

According to etymonline.com, the origin/first use of the word “recovery” comes in the mid-14th century and meant “return to health.” “Recovery” originates from the Anglo-French word “recoverie” meaning “remedy or cure.” The additional meaning of an “act of righting oneself after a blunder, mishap, etc.” is from the 1520’s. Could this also be at the root of the word having such moral implications?

In his July 2014 article for Psychology Today, well-known addiction expert, author and former Harvard Medical School professor, psychiatrist Dr. Lance Dodes discusses some of the problems we have with the word “recovery.”[1] In part, he sees the word as acceptable in the context of “recovering from a medical illness”, meaning that 1) relapse/lapse is normal, and that 2) one is headed toward a cure or an ending of the condition/illness. Quoting from the article, Dr. Dodes says, “In most of life, ‘being in recovery’ means a person is making progress even though s/he isn’t ‘cured.’” This is far different than how we too often hear the word used in addiction treatment circles or our greater culture. In both places, “recovery” typically means that one is abstinent and attending a 12-Step group – “working the program” to use the language of AA for example. This is meant to establish an “us vs. them” quality: you’re either attending meetings, working the Steps, and have a sponsor so you’re “in recovery” or you’re not and therefore you’re not in recovery. Black or white; right or wrong. Plus, the implication is that anything short of a 12-Step traditional recovery means you’re not doing recovery “right.” A lot of people – including many professionals – believe this is what the word means and ONLY what it means. I, too, believed this for a long time.

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photo by Danielle MacInnes for unsplash.com

I went to residential treatment here in Oakland, CA, in the late 1980’s. These were the “salad days” for residential treatment, coming on the heels of First Lady Betty Ford openly discussing her addiction to alcohol and pain medications.[2] No one of her stature had ever talked about their alcohol and other drug problems in the US and her “coming out” can’t be understated; it was also a huge step in reducing the stigma/shame for others to seek help for their substance misuse/problems. Finally, this event was also partly responsible for opening the doors of treatment to become the Big Business it is today (more on that in another piece).

In treatment, we were taught that addiction is a 3-fold disease: bio-psycho-social (some also added “spiritual”). It was like a, sleeping tiger, always waiting to pounce on you unless you were constantly vigilant in your recovery (meaning abstinence, attending meetings regularly, and “working a good program.”). We were taught phrases such as, “Your mind is like a dangerous neighborhood: don’t go in it alone” and “Avoid old people, places and things to stay sober.” In other words, 1) don’t trust your own thinking because you’re an addict/alcoholic and “your best thinking got you here”, 2) you’re never fully recovered, and 3) you must cut off all your old friends as they were only using friends and therefore not interested in your well-being; your relationships were only based on drug use. I remember someone saying that everything I had done up to the point of my entering treatment/recovery didn’t count – but now my life could really begin: “Today is the first day of the rest of your life”[3] was up on a wall somewhere. Scary stuff. And I was scared straight.

In what’s known in 12-Step circles as the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous 3rd edition), there are several references to the word “recovery” and “recovering” (somewhere around 15) but also references (about 10) to the word “recovered” which is akin to blasphemy today in most 12-Step circles.[4] This is another point of contention for many of us. Can we ever say we’re “recovered” or even “cured?” I say, “yes we can,” to borrow a phrase. And that we should. Why? Because to those outside of traditional treatment/recovery, I hear folks constantly say, “Apparently treatment doesn’t work because you people are never recovered!” I had never thought of the phrase “recovering” as potentially responsible for this perception. I personally say that after over 30 years of continuous abstinence, I am completely comfortable declaring that I’m “recovered;” the problems I have today have nothing to do with illicit drug and/or alcohol use (sometimes that would be simpler, frankly). The first paragraph in Chapter 2 of the 3rd edition of the Big Book titled, “There is a Solution,” also appears to see an end state to addiction. It states: “We, of Alcoholics Anonymous, (italics theirs) know thousands of men and women who were once just as hopeless as Bill. Nearly all have recovered (emphasis mine). They have solved the drink problem.”[5] This passage certainly seems to imply that one can indeed recover. But then what exactly does it mean to recover? And how do we achieve this state of being?

Mindfulness + Connectedness + Inner Growth

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Photo by Austin Chan for unsplash.com

 

A Phrase is Born. While working for the large American HMO Kaiser in the 1990’s, I was charged with developing and leading a relapse prevention track for patients in our Chemical Dependency Recovery Program (CDRP). These were folks for whom the course of treatment we offered (intensive outpatient program or IOP) didn’t work – or, as we phrased things back then, patients who didn’t try hard enough, were in denial of their “disease,” or simply relapsed back into drug/alcohol use due to inattention to “people, place, and things.” During one of our evening groups we were working on a definition for “recovery” and decided to see what we could come up ourselves. After all, we surmised, how can one relapse if you don’t have a clear idea of recovery?

Mindfulness, connectedness, and inner growth was the phrase we all agreed described the basic ingredients for recovery. It wasn’t until later that someone noticed we neglected to include anything about abstinence/sobriety, 12-Step attendance, or the other usual things we associate(d) with recovery. I remember that night well because a gigantic light bulb didn’t just light up, it blew up in my head! This was the moment I began to wrap my head around the idea that perhaps alcohol and other drug use itself – and abstinence specifically – really had nothing to do with one’s healing or recovery; recovery wasn’t in fact begun with stopping drug use first (which is what we always told folks). What was at the core of the concept of true recovery of one’s life we decided were these 3 elements defined here – which may or may not include an end to one’s drug use:

Mindfulness: paying attention – to what you’re doing, who you’re with, what you’re putting in your mouth/arm/throat/etc., really everything that’s happening as well as you humanly can, plain and simple.

Connectedness: this means getting reacquainted with yourself, a vertical connection, we called it – your body, your mind, your spirit – and fully trusting them. This also spoke to the idea that your mind is connected to your body (yes, no matter what Descartes[6] said, they’re attached; it’s called a neck!). This vertical connection could also be to a higher power or great spirit of some kind. Connectedness includes a horizontal connection, too, or connection with others.[7]

Inner growth: this was a bit more difficult to flesh out at the time but we settled on it meaning whatever an individual does that leads to their seeking out new information and new ideas, being a part of the world at large. This could be going to school, walking in the park, dating, making new friends, a yoga practice, meditation, attending synagogue/mosque/church/temple/circle, or even reading. Or anything else that “feeds” a human’s curiosity and need for knowledge.

And that was it. Drug use, abstinence, continued using or something in between, wasn’t mentioned. Why? Because we realized that in any other bio-psycho-social illness (which nearly all are), one did not have to recover perfectly. In fact, in my definition humans cannot do this – at least not all the time. And we realized that it wasn’t the alcohol or other drugs that were at the core of the problems we had: they were but a symptom. [8]

Therefore, one could indeed be in recovery and use drugs. Not problematically because then you’re not connected or mindful or growing. But we agreed (again to our collective surprise) that yes, one could be using alcohol or other drugs – having a healthy relationship with them – and be mindful, connected, and growing internally: in recovery. And we also agreed that for some folks, to have these 3 elements in their lives could require abstinence: total, partial, forever or for a while, we made no comment on those notions. That would remain up to the individual (which also fits within AA/12-Step guidelines of no one being able to tell another that they are an “alcoholic or addict.”). In fact, we realized that having healthy relationships of all kinds could be achieved through these three elements. What a jolt to the brain this was to us all!

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Photo by Ron Smith for unsplash.com

YOU GOTTA GIVE THEM HOPE”, Harvey Milk[9]

These days, I have come to realize that it appears these elements or ingredients of recovery also build on one another: for example, you first need to improve or have some mindfulness about what you’re doing before you can truly connect with others and yourself, and that action can lead to growing internally. And again, we made the argument then which I’ll repeat here, drugs and drug use (including alcohol of course) don’t necessarily impede one’s ability to recover or regain health from having problems with them – or being “addicted.” The problem is in one’s relationship with substances or behaviors that have become problematic or compulsive, and that we continue to engage in despite negative consequences – what we call “addiction.” So here’s the Big Question: what if we as a collective culture decided to work on these 3 ingredients and the issues that get in one’s way of achieving them? What if we decided to help those in need to uncover why they – or collectively, why so many of us in the wealthiest nation in the galaxy – need to use substances in order to cope? Hmmm…

It’s time to reinvent the word recovery to mean this: “I have recovered my life and my health. with or without abstinence. I am mindful, connected, and growing.” Now that’s real recovery!

One of the ways to address these issues of the lack of mindfulness, connectedness, and inner growth is with what the Canadian author, physician, and addiction expert Dr. Gabor Mate calls “compassionate inquiry.”[10] Dr. Mate makes the case for needing people in our lives who can/will listen deeply, compassionately to those of us involved in using substances/behaviors that are causing pain in our lives. Another advocate of doing things differently in treatment is Stanton Peele, PhD, JD. In his newest book on addiction, Recover! Stop Thinking Like an Addict and Reclaim Your Life with The Perfect Program,[11] Dr. Peele discusses these issues at length, as he has for over 50 years. As an early adopter of harm reduction principles, he has tried to get us all – but especially we Americans – to see that the way we have come to view addiction is all wrong: 1) it’s not a disease, 2) most people quit on their own (so how can it be a disease), and 3) not all people are susceptible to becoming addicted. In fact, by viewing addiction as a disease, our society has actually increased the possibility of relapse[12]. It reminds me a bit of Charlton Heston’s famous line at the end of the film, The Planet of the Apes, when he realizes where he really is – back on Earth: “You finally really did it. You maniacs! …God damn you. God damn you all!” In looking for the reasons for addiction, we have to consider that perhaps, unintentionally, we have done much of the damage ourselves with our racist policies, unscientific treatments/interventions, and blaming of the people who use drugs (and often their families as well). It sure is easier to blame a drug(s). It’s much harder to look within, compassionately and deeply, for the reasons so many of us are in pain (of all kinds) and need relief to cope with living.

I see September’s Recovery Month as a great time to take a look at what we’ve done with addiction treatment and recovery. And to take a hard look in the Mirror of Truth about our society and its complicity in addiction(s). It’s time to stop the unscientifically-tested treatment of this “medical-and-more” complicated condition. It’s time to demand professionals who are highly trained and compassionate – always. It’s time to radically change how we view people with substance problems – and their loved ones – regardless of whether you believe this is a condition of their making or not.

It’s time to reinvent the word recovery to mean this: “I have recovered my life and my health. with or without abstinence. I am mindful, connected, and growing.” Now that’s real recovery!

DON’T MISS NEXT MONTH’s EDITION: 

COMMUNICATING WITH LOVE ABOUT DRUGS WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE. 

[1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-heart-addiction/201407/what-does-it-mean-be-in-recovery

[2] A Johnson Institute-style intervention was held in 1978 for Mrs. Ford leading her to seek treatment for her substance use. In 1982, she founded The Betty Ford Center which is now part of the Hazelden family of programs.

[3] As discussed in our last piece on “tough love,” the originator of this phrase is the founder of Synanon, Chuck Dederich.

[4] “A Reference Guide to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous” by Stewart C.; (1986). Recovery Press, Seattle, WA.

[5] p17. Note: The “Bill” that is referenced here refers to the co-founder of AA, Bill Wilson.

[6] Rene Descartes was a 16th c. French philosophermathematician, and scientist; dubbed the father of modern Western philosophy who famously argued that the human body and mind were separate. Wikipedia.com

[7] Remember that church I mentioned in my first blog, the United Church of Christ or UCC? There we were taught that God was within each person and living thing on Earth and that we were all connected. Very Deepak Chopra. Hmmm…

[8] Interestingly enough, a similar idea can be found in AA’s Big Book on p85, in this line: “What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.” And I was taught that “spiritual” merely meant connected.

[9] Quote from slain San Francisco Supervisor Harvey Milk, one of the country’s first openly gay politicians. This is from a tape recording (1977-11-18) to be played in the event of his assassination, quoted in Randy Shilts book, The Mayor of Castro Street: The Life and Times of Harvey Milk. (1982), p. 277. Wikipedia.com; personal communications.

[10] From Dr. Mate’s website, drgabormate.com: “Through Compassionate Inquiry, the client can recognize the unconscious dynamics that run their lives and how to liberate themselves from them.”

[11] For more information, view the results of the NESARC study and more, discussed in Dr. Peele’s book, p36-42. (2014), Da Capo Press.

[12] Miller et al; “What predicts relapse? Prospective testing of antecedent models.” https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1046/j.1360-0443.91.12s1.7.x