FSDP Families Matter l Family Matters Relapse Trilogy: May 2020 Dee-Dee Stout, MA

relapse recovery word cloud

Relapse/Relapse Prevention: Part 2 of 3
For the (Rest of the) Family

“Expectations are resentments under construction.” -Anne Lamott

Relapse and families. Google this combination and you’ll get some 42 million hits. 42 million!! But I could find only one reference to an actual Family Plan for THEIR relapses/lapses into old behaviors and sadly it’s a list that in my opinion is too long and too loaded with traditional thinking (we’ll look at it in a bit). I don’t even like the language I’m using here: “relapse” meaning someone has used a drug again? Or perhaps something else? (we don’t speak of “relapse” in cancer or diabetes care, do we?) And I realized recently that when I use the term “family” I’m too often meaning ‘the folks that don’t have a drug problem’. But isn’t the “addict” part of the family? And more important, isn’t our usual language leaving them out of the family literally – the sense of connectedness, a being unit, that they likely already don’t feel a part of? Or is that the point? Sigh. But we’ll focus on language another time. Here I want to ask us to see relapse/lapsing in a bigger context: that family members who don’t have drug problems can fall back into their old behavior patterns too and therefore “relapse” or “lapse”. And it’s this that I want to focus on in Part 2 of our blog on Relapse Prevention: if the system I live in/am part of doesn’t change, how can I or anyone change within that system? And if we all don’t begin to understand why someone is using drugs, how would our loved ones with a drug problem begin to make changes? The short answer, I’d argue, is they can’t.

mobile Denise Carbonell flickr

In the 1980’s, the late John Bradshaw was the darling of PBS with his specials, one titled “On The Family” . I took one of his courses when he came to the Bay Area in the early 90’s and one thing I remember (and still use) is this: the family system is like a mobile – touch one part of it and everything shifts. The other main take away for me is how he said the word disease, which Bradshaw would pronounce dis-EASE. As we’ve all learned more about trauma and traumatic events, this pronunciation has come back to me. As I write this series on relapse prevention and change, I find it a timely reminder as well. I used drugs for more than two decades not ONLY because of my dis-EASE but often because of it.

I recall the Family Program that we had at the hospital-based treatment facility I entered and, later, at which I worked. Every Thursday evening for a year, the former patient (me!) could return for a Continuing Care Group (not called “aftercare” on purpose as we believed that the treatment stay was just the beginning of treatment not the end of it), family and other significant others could attend the Family Meeting, and kids (under 12, I believe, and for an extra fee) could attend Kids Connection. So, every Thursday evening for a year, my ex and I and my son Jesse attended their respective support group meeting and afterwards, we went for dinner. It was incredibly helpful for all of us as it made clear that the whole family is involved in treatment (or needs to be); the patient wasn’t the only one needing to make change. All of this was included in the cost of my treatment stay. Additionally, significant others could attend our annual Family Intensive (for an added fee). This was a week-long program to focus on healthy communication, how to care for yourself, how to support your loved one in crisis/relapse, bringing sex back into your relationship, and much more. The program was designed and run by one of my longtime sponsors and mentors, Dr. Mickey Apter-Marsh (Mickey had a PhD in Human Sexuality as well as having trained as a therapist). She also liked to say she had a “black belt in Al-Anon.” In those days, we spoke of co-dependency and enabling – words I find lacking in nuance today – but nevertheless, these were ground-breaking concepts in the late 1980’s-early 1990’s. While I would change some of the specifics in a program in 2020, we (and most inpatient treatment providers) had an incredible and mostly free support program for family members. We recognized most patients would be returning home after treatment, to the same place that they problematically used alcohol and other drugs, and those other family members would need support to make their own changes too if treatment was to be successful.  What happened?

Earlier I mentioned the one entry I found on Google on this topic. It’s from Debra Jay It Takes a Family: A Cooperative Approach to Lasting Sobriety (2014).  Ms. Jay uses Terry Gorski’s “Relapse Warning Signs” and developed what she calls “Family Relapse Warning Signs.” Here are a couple of entries from her 34-item list:

  • I allow my daily activities to interrupt my recovery schedule including my Al-Anon meeting, daily reading, time with my sponsor, service work, or working the Twelve Steps.
  • Temporary issues, such as an illness, keep me away from recovery activities, but I do not return once I am well or otherwise unburdened.
  • I’m not eating enough or too much.

First of all, if Al-Anon and other 12-Step support helps you, who am I to disagree? I would suggest the first entry could be read another way which concerns me: “Nothing is more important than my recovery – defined as abstinence –- and my life activities are unrelated to it.” I’m sorry but to me that just doesn’t make sense. Also, if this is an approach to ‘sobriety’ as Ms. Jay states, that would be only for the family member problematically using drugs, right? Or is she referring to ‘sobriety’ as something different than abstinence? Some do make that argument, which I’m not going to address here, but Ms. Jay doesn’t explain her terminology (please note: I have not read her book though). Finally, the way the title of this piece is worded to me also sounds like the family is doing these things ONLY to help the “addict” stay sober. We’ve talked before about recovery being more than abstinence; in fact, our government believes that to be true as well as is suggested in SAMHSA’s definition. My definition of recovery? Simply this: mindfulness+connectedness+inner growth™.

I decided to see if FSDP member and my old friend, Dr. Stanton Peele, JD, PhD, had some thoughts on this topic.  Stanton shared with me some of what he and collaborator Zach Rhodes discuss with their clients participating with their online treatment for problem drug use, The Life Process Program:

We wouldn’t suggest divorcing someone if they’re still smoking even if you’re quitting but you may need to have some reasonable limits around each other’s behavior. Bottom line: your whole intimate group/family is going to have to change — like reciprocity marital counseling.  The main topic of conversation becomes ‘how can we go forward without setting one another off?’

Family relapse prevention is something we don’t often discuss in this culture when talking about addiction. However, in Australia, Family Drug Support, (FDS), has been talking about family system change for many years. Let’s return to our mobile for a moment. I think we can all agree being in a relationship with someone(s) who are engaged in less healthy or potentially problematic behaviors affects us all – and maybe it affects us regardless of whether its problematic or not (that’s also another convo!). Anyway, it’s going to be necessary for us all to look at how we need to think about and adjust our own actions and words to support change in The Family System, regardless of whether our loved one problematically involved in some less than healthy behavior – the “addict” or “identified patient” to use the common term – makes a change or not. Tony Trimingham, CEO of FDS, (and someone with his own personal story of inconceivable change after his son died from a drug-related event) discusses several concepts involved in Family Relapse Planning in his helpful booklet, “A Guide to Coping: Support for Families Faces with Problematic Drug Use.” Here are a couple of suggestions from this booklet:

  • Look at the outcome or goal you’re expecting from treatment. Are you defining “success” as your loved one being drug free for a year? Five years? 6 months? What if they cut down or change to a less harmful drug? What if they leave formal treatment but maintain the change they’ve made? Unfortunately, our expectations (and this applies to all family members) usually have a way of setting us up for disappointment. So, let go of those expectations (easier said than done)!
  • Have access to support for yourselves. Groups (all kinds), professionals, education, books, and more can all be helpful. Just skip the TV and Dr. Phil or Dr. Drew please.
  • Accept the reality of the situation. Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement! However, it does mean that we must learn to separate our feelings of hurt, disappointment, and fear from the fact that people we love – even those who use drugs problematically – are entitled to determine their own lives and decisions about it. And who knows? Maybe those decisions will include getting some help? (It did for me)
  • Support isn’t rescuing. “Parental and family support have been shown to be one of the strongest factors in “successful” treatment” of alcohol and other drug problems. One of the main things I work on with families is helping them determine how they can support their loved one in a way(s) that works for everyone. That means, like good negotiating, no one is going to be completely happy with the results. There’s always a way to give support.
  • No one knows what’s best for your family except your family. And by “family” I mean including the person problematically using drugs. With limited exceptions, if you can continue communicating with your loved one including family conversations about their drug use, your efforts will pay off greatly. This may not be easy, but it can be one of the most important things you do. Please remember, no professional – including me – can tell you what’s best for your family. A good professional is there to help you have these critical, complicated conversations and help you sort what each member of the family desires, needs, expects, is willing to do, etc. But we do NOT have your answers; we can only help you uncover yours.
  • Make a plan. Here in California, we encourage all residents to have an earthquake or other disaster plan. I’ve been calling relapse prevention plans “earthquake plans” for years as I see them in the same sphere: we hope we won’t have an earthquake but let’s be prepared for it, as best we can. For families, I want you to know what your “bottom lines” are; what you’d like to see your loved one do if they return to using a drug problematically; what your loved one wants to happen if there’s a lapse; how you’ll show your loved one that you need to make changes too. I’d also like you all to know how each of you – including the one problematically using drugs – can say something to you about your own lapse. In my family, we used a code word. We all agreed that when someone said the code word (say, “penguin”), it meant we stopped the conversation, agreed to return to the conversation later, and let it go for then.

Having a relapse prevention plan for families and other concerned loved ones also says to our loved one problematically using drugs that we understand this is a system, a family, and we’re in it together; we’re willing to do our own work to help make some positive changes in our family while they make their own, or not. Dr. Gabor Mate has a story about this that always brings me to tears, which he related to Chris Grasso in his book Dead Set on Living: Making the Difficult but Beautiful Journey from F#*king Up to Waking Up. Here’s an excerpt:

…you’re the one whose behavior shows us how much pain there is in our family. Thank you for showing that to us…because we realize that’s we’re as much a part of it as you are. We’re going to take on the task of healing ourselves…

In the work I do with families, one consistency is that there is no consistency. As Mickey’s husband, Dr. Earle Marsh, MD*, used to say to me often, “Baby, life’s a crap shoot. You just do your best and let it roll! ” Each family I work with has their own ideas as to what’s important to them, what their own values and goals are. Those are the ingredients that I need to gently guide them towards what’s best for them. I may certainly, with their permission, suggest they view or consider something in a slightly or radically different way but ultimately, they are the arbiters of their own family actions.

So, are there some things in general that families or other loved ones of someone with a behavior problem can do for themselves? Yes. In fact, the very first one is to see that you need to make changes too, regardless of whether your loved one (with the problematic behavior) ever changes. This doesn’t mean to leave your loved one behind. Instead of focusing on what you’re NOT willing to do, I suggest families focus on what they CAN do for their loved ones using drugs problematically. We want to reward the behavior we’d like to see more of instead of punishing the behavior we want to see less of. This lets our loved ones know that we’re not closing the door on them and (no “buts!”) we have limits regarding some behaviors.

A relapse prevention plan should be a helpful road map for everyone on this journey we typically call “recovery”. After all we’re all affected by each other’s behavior, so we all need to make our own road map. A good relapse prevention plan should also allow for spontaneity in life and not be written as if it’s a legal contract but rather as a general guide to where we all want to be. It should be fluid and flexible, responsive to new events and circumstances. We take more time to talk about the colors we put on our walls than we do on what we want to happen when life throws us a curve ball. So, by yourselves or with professional assistance, be sure to write your own relapse plan – or wellness plan – now so you know where you’re headed. And whatever you do, don’t leave home without yours!

Cheers!

Dee-Dee Stout

deedeestoutconsulting@gmail.com
www.deedeestoutconsulting.com

*Dr. Marsh was the Ob/Gyn deptartment chair at UCSF for many years. He taught the first course on addiction for medical students there as well. Doc Earle, as he was known, was also a longtime active member of Bay Area 12-Step, whose first sponsor was the co-founder of AA, Bill Wilson. Doc and Mickey were my lifelong friends, co-sponsors, and even part of my Master’s committee. You can read Earle’s story in the AA Big Book (Physician Heal Thyself: 35 Years of Adventures in Sobriety by an Aa ‘Old Timer’).  They are both gone now and long ago broke their own anonymity.

Photo credit: Denise Carbonell, Flickr, Creative Commons license

Families Matter/Family Matters February 2020 Blog Dee-Dee Stout, MA

Families Matter/Family Matters February 2020 Edition!

Welcome to the February 2020 edition of Family Matters – Families Matter, our new blog authored and curated by FSDP’s Guest Blogger–pioneering harm reduction therapist, educator, advocate and author Dee-Dee Stout.

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Good enough.  I don’t know about all of you, but I stopped making New Year’s resolutions years ago.  For me at least, they seemed just another way that I was saying to myself, “you’re not good enough”.  And of course, we know how poor the outcomes are for those resolutions: according to one survey, only 8% of us follow through and successfully complete out resolutions[1]. Ouch!  However, this doesn’t mean I don’t have goals, or as I’m calling them now “a direction I’m headed right now.”  Yes, it’s more cumbersome but it lands better on me.  So what direction am I headed in 2020?  The Land of Good Enough.  And I’m not talking only in actions but mostly about getting OK with being “good enough” in all areas of my life.  This may not sound very challenging but it sure is to me – and apparently also to several others with whom I’ve mentioned this topic.  And why is that?  Well, that’s part of what we’re going to explore in this New Decade’s Family Matters/Families Matter blog.

2020 is perched on a precipice of many important as well as disastrous moments in our lives:  climate crises (now occurring horribly in Australia as I write this); elections including the Presidential this fall; racial & faith killings; further drug use crises & legalizations of (more) psychedelics; the coronavirus outbreak, and more.  So how does this concept of “good enough” help us through these and other challenges?  Let’s find out together.

I can’t recall when or where I first heard the phrase “good enough” but I’m pretty certain it was in something I was reading related to parenting.  The general idea was that we are all unable to be perfect parents so perhaps embracing the concept of simply being “good enough” would be a positive move.  Think of this as “harm reduction parenting”! Somehow, the author seemed to be saying, we need to let go of the need to be perfect parents as this is utterly unattainable anyhow.  So what if we looked at that in relation to other areas of or lives too?  Perhaps it’s due to my age now but I’m exhausted from trying to please everyone else:  parents, children, students, even clients sometimes.  And I don’t mean to suggest that embracing “good enough” means I am giving up on gaining new skills or learning.  Not at all.  To me, accepting I am “good enough” is the only way to make change.  It was the brilliant psychotherapist and theorist Carl Rogers who said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.[2]

This is true of us in recovery especially.  If I can only see what needs to change, I will get overwhelmed at the huge task in front of me.  That will likely lead me to feel more stressed out which will likely lead me to increase my use of those old habits/behaviors that are causing me & others pain.  It’s a vicious cycle.  Where I think we get terribly confused is in the word “acceptance”.  We seem to think that if we accept where we or someone else is, it means I agree with the behavior, that somehow I’m saying, “sure keep on doing what you’re doing; it’s ok with me!”  Nothing could be further from the truth.  The truth is we humans aren’t terribly adept at holding two competing ideas at the same time, what some consider to be the definition of “critical thinking.”

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. – F. Scott Fitzgerald

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I’m working with a family right now (the parents and the son) who’s oldest son has struggled with chaotic drug use for some time.  After hundreds of thousands of dollars spent, numerous types of treatment (some truly terrible, they now understand) and countless hours with me, things seemed to be in a pretty good place.  Then the bottom fell out:  he overdosed.  Thanks to Narcan, he is alive. Things went well again for a brief period and then again, his drug use got out of control.

In another family, the son did well this semester only to suddenly drop out this semester.  The had tried a new therapy and was really hopeful even after more trials of medications than either of us can count in the past 5 years.  But now, with yet another “failed” attempt, his depression has returned.

These are familiar stories to most of the families I work with and hear from, but also from their loved ones chaotically using substances.  It’s tempting to get angry and frustrated, or to even want to quit trying (me too as I’m also human!).  But what we really all need to focus more deeply on in scenarios such as these is that we’re all doing the best we can in some pretty awful circumstances.  And we definitely need to have more compassion for each other, along with some ‘radical acceptance’ of the reality of all our unique circumstances.

“Believing that something is wrong with us is a deep and tenacious suffering,” according to the book jacket of Tara Brach’s remarkable book, “Radical Acceptance.”  She goes on to discuss the trap of our habits that often occurs, calling it “the trance of unworthiness.” I love that idea:  I’m in a trance and that’s why I’m having such a hard time making a change!  And after all, if I’m not worthy of change, why should I bother?  I know that’s how I felt during my 2 decades of troubled drug use.  And I had lots of people around me in their own trance unable to see me as anything but a damn drug addict.   It wasn’t until I had people who deeply believed in me and my ability to make change – and managed to get my own tiny amount of acceptance of where I was – that I was able to begin to recover from a lifetime of pain.  It wasn’t quick nor without pain but I wasn’t alone and I had purpose in my life again.  So how do we start this practice of self-acceptance?  There are several ways of course and I encourage you to seek one or more that feels good to you.  One that I’ve just become aware of and use myself as well as with clients is something fairly new called “Mindful Self-Compassion.[3]

“Mindful Self-Compassion” is a way to “[learn] to embrace yourself and your imperfections [and] gives you the resilience needed to thrive.”[4]  Why do so many of us have such a difficult time loving ourselves?  I suspect much of this comes from our false belief that loving oneself means thinking we’re perfect or better than others.  Or perhaps it comes from the seemingly nearly universal idea that if we’re loving ourselves, we’re self-centered or selfish.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  Self-compassion, according to Neff & Germer, has none of these traits.  And in fact, they argue that if we can’t learn to love ourselves compassionately, we also can’t do so for others.  It’s also just good for us: “Individuals who are more self-compassionate tend to have greater happiness, life satisfaction, and motivation, better relationships and physical health, and less anxiety and depression.  They also have the resilience needed to cope with stressful life events such as divorce, health crises, academic failure, even combat trauma.”[5]  We don’t have the research yet but I’d say it’s safe to assume that cultivating mindful self-compassion would also lead to better parenting and possibly even reduce the need for medicating ourselves so much (for me the term “medication” includes prescription drugs as well as illegal substances used problematically).

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So how does this translate in relationships to others?  Neff & Germer believe that there are “2 types of relational pain:  connection, when…people we love are suffering, and disconnection, when we experience loss of rejection and feel hurt, angry or alone.”[6]  They believe that we are each responsible in part for each other’s emotional states, which they call “emotional contagion.”  This of course flies right in the face of those of us taught that we are ONLY responsible for our own emotions and NEVER for others (they are responsible for their own feelings).  Perhaps we got that one wrong?  In the meantime, let me share with you my favorite brief meditation that I’ve used for more than 20 years.  It is in the lovingkindness tradition so fits with our discussion of Mindful Self-Compassion and can be used as way to take a “Self-Compassion Break”[7] the next time you find yourself upset with someone, including yourself:

With your eyes open or closed, in any position you are in though sitting is generally thought best (but I use this walking & even while driving).  Repeat the phrase below 3 times and between those repetitions, breathe deeply in through your nose (holding briefly) and exhale through your mouth.

[8]May I be filled with lovingkindness

May I be well

May I be peaceful and at ease

May I be happy*

(*A suggested substitution here if you find “happy” to be too uncomfortable or challenging right now, use the word “kind to myself.”)

lovewhoyouare

Now I’m not going to suggest that these ideas of radical acceptance and mindful self-compassion are easy for most of us to attain.  I’m constantly practicing these concepts.  But I do best when I’m able to accept where I am and appreciate that I’m doing the best I can right now:  sometimes that’s great and other times, I struggle frankly.  What I’ve learned in my 6-decades plus of life is that I’m not alone and if I keep actively working on these notions of mindfulness and self-acceptance/compassion, I am able to feel like I really am “good enough” some days.  And that’s definitely a positive change.  That also seems like a “good enough” place to begin for this New Decade.  Join me.

 

Happy 2020!

DD

deedeestoutconsutling@gmail.com

www.deedeestoutconsulting.com

 

 

All images courtesy of unsplash.com

[1] https://finance.yahoo.com/news/many-people-actually-stick-resolutions-214812821.html?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAIQ_LjZjZKDh5IS6cLk99vcJy7ccHqZ-nekHQEYlSjWWoodJzCrPYCVy7agi8zV5u3IVgQg5iPY6qFzA1hSTjukhnAktz9jeKj0oyFWxWJfYMsEuBzoxmTPGK-BcMOcyR-AkIAEtkDnCed8TB99shKGMRrvI94ZXibZZpXhG20n8.  Accessed 1.23.2020.

[2] From “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach. Bantam Dell, 2003. P24.

[3] “The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook”.  Kristin Neff, PhD & Christopher Germer, PhD.  The Guilford Press, NY.  2018.

[4] Ibid. p1.

[5] Ibid.

[6] Ibid. p130.

[7] Ibid. p34.

[8] From “A Path with Heart” by Jack Kornfield. Bantam Books, 1993. Jack Kornfield is the co-founder of Spirit Rock in Marin County, CA. www.spiritrock.org.

Families Matter, Family Matters — Holiday Edition 2019

Welcome to the Holiday 2019 edition of Family Matters – Families Matter, authored and curated by FSDP’s Guest Blogger–pioneering harm reduction therapist, educator, advocate and author Dee-Dee Stout.

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The Holidays.  The holidays are difficult to navigate even for the bravest and happiest of us.  People we may only see once or twice a year, foods we may eat rarely, and discussions that can be fraught with emotion are all on the list of possible “menu” items.  In my family, we toggled between two sets of grandparents (gratefully in the same small town) with a carefully navigated schedule crafted to not upset anyone, to be equitable with time spent at each locale, and to provide consistency for us youngsters.  Thanksgiving at one site one year, at the other the next.  Christmas Day with one set of grandparents, Christmas Eve with the other.  And New Year’s Eve was spent at various locations with the next morning mostly spent at either uncles’ as they or their wives were in charge of making the traditional New Year’s Day abelskivers as part of our collective Danish heritage.  Whew!  But it worked as I recall.  Of course, I also wasn’t the one schlepping kids and gifts and food back and forth all week!

This year my family (son, his girlfriend, and me) has decided to “postpone” Thanksgiving due to flight costs and frankly, all of us are pretty worn down from loads of travel for work – grateful and tired!  So, we’ll do something next month as all our schedules settle down for December. I’ve known some families who leave the States completely both for warmer climes and as an excuse to not engage in the mandatory family get-togethers which (for some) too often devolve into rambunctious excesses of alcohol, explosive conversations, and food they can no longer tolerate in their healthier lifestyles.  But what if you want/need/must attend some gatherings for the holidays?  Can we navigate these potential landmines better if we plan in advance?  Yes!  We can!  And so with that positive statement in mind, here’s some ideas for building a new Roadmap for a Happier Holiday.

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FSDP’s Top 5 Suggestions for Smoother Sailing during the Holidays

  1. Limit the alcohol served.  Now I’m not suggesting you can’t have any yummy holiday punches and outrageous cocktails, but I do suggest that everyone drink mindfully – even if that is to excess. Being smarter and safer with alcohol is just that:  smart and safer!  Have non-alcoholic beverages available for folks even if everyone is drinking alcohol.  One of the less good things about alcohol is the dehydration that occurs.  So having some fun sparkling waters can be an aid – and maybe reduce that morning headache a bit.  Plus there are so many incredible alternatives to alcoholic drinks today as more people are moderating their alcohol intake or not indulging at all:  seedlipdrinks.com, curiouselixirs.com, rockgrace.com and www.tostbeverages.com all have incredible non-alcoholic beverages that can look like the real deal.  Also, having a glass of something without alcohol between alcoholic drinks can be a smart move – and make the night (and your money) last longer.
  2. Have a breathalyzer at the door. Really!  Available at most drug stores and Amazon (ranging in price from $20-$130; check out this buying guide for more: https://bestreviews.com/best-breathalyzers), these home breathalyzers aren’t perfect but they’ll give the “blower” an idea of how intoxicated they might be (sometimes just seeing a number will convince Aunt/Uncle Pat to consider giving up their keys).  Partner this with a cheery holiday basket for the car keys of anyone who doesn’t plan to monitor their alcohol (or other drugs) use.  Put a colored tag on each with name, car type or license number, as well as cell numbers in case you need to move their car (street cleaning!) or so they can easily collect them the following day after taking a Lyft/Uber/cab/ride share home.
  3. Eat before you indulge. We know that food can absorb alcohol so be sure to eat some carbs and fat before you drink (yum:  avocado toast!!).  This can help you feel like you’re participating in the holidays while also drinking smart.  If you’re hosting this year, be sure to have some snacks available with your delicious cocktails!  You’ll appreciate folks eating a bit beforehand when they’re a bit less uninhibited at the dinner table!
  4. Watch the conversations. Instead of letting conversations just organically occur, what about trying another way to shape those potentially treacherous talks at the holidays?  Recently I bought a few “topic card sets” to use in trainings and with clients.  Here are a handful of examples from each and the companies they came from (though you can check Amazon for a ton of suggestions which you can then purchase wherever you like):

For provocative conversations:

(from Q&E Provocations for Applied Empathy by SubRosa at wearesubrosa.com)

What makes an experience meaningful?

Who has challenged you to be better than you once were?

What motivates you to progress?

 

For generally deeper conversations:

(from Big Talk at www.makebigtalk.com)

What is a new habit you want to form?

What are you thankful for this very moment?

What advice would you ask for from your greatest hero?

 

For more fun/funny conversations:

(from We! Connect Cards at www.weand.me)

What is a fun experience that you have recently had?

What are you passionate about right now?

What are people usually surprised to find out about you?

 

Or for more family of origin-oriented fare

(from TableTopics Family Gathering at www.tabletopics.com)

What’s the best story you heard about your grandparents/parents/aunt/uncle?

What do you remember about the homes your family has lived in?

What’s your favorite family story?

Or make up your own set of cards.  That way you can have even more confidence that your conversations will avoid any “hot topics” that you know of.  Or as folks come arrive, have a bunch of blank cards with colorful pens at a table and ask everyone to write a question or statement topic on a card. Put those in a festive box and pass it around at dinner or afterwards.  Go through the cards before you use them to hand select out any statements that you think might be too provocative or triggering.  Even some that I’ve listed here might be too much for some folks to answer.  Allow anyone to take a “new card” if they don’t like the one they drew, or they may ask for a new one to be drawn if one person is drawing – and don’t make them give a reason for passing on the chosen card.  You get the idea.

  1. Get naloxone! While Narcan can’t reverse all overdosing (such as methamphetamine or alcohol) many illicit drugs these days contain a bit or a lot of fentanyl or one of its analogues.  Therefore, even if the person you love says they’ve used meth or cocaine only, if wouldn’t hurt to give them Narcan™/naloxone if you notice the signs of overdose[1]. One of my fave new sayings is “Naloxone only enables breathing!”

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The holidays are not the time for heavy conversations in my opinion.  Those are best left either before or after such events, and with some practice and feedback from a professional, a friend, or anyone you trust to tell you the truth.  However, some conversations may need to happen before the holidays.  If you have a family member or friend who recently had treatment of some kind for a substance use disorder, I say be direct:  ask them what you can do to make the holidays more inviting and safer for them.  That doesn’t mean you’ll be able to do what’s asked, but that person will feel better just for you having asked!  All too often people simply assume what moderators/abstainers need and want to help support their recoveries.  People are different so individuals should be considered.

For the rest of the family, try not to walk on eggshells around your loved one who may still have a problem with alcohol or other drugs.  And you all may decide that the holidays just isn’t the right time to all get together.  It may be too “loaded” for everyone (pun intended).  If that’s the case, make a new tradition:  plan a separate small holiday just for a small group of supportive people.  For those in new recovery or who are struggling with drug use, being confronted with lots of people can be overwhelming and lead to more drug use for comfort.  Hopefully there will be other holidays that you all can have together down the road.

Happy Holidays Everyone, whatever you celebrate….and see you in 2020 with a new blog!!

-Dee-Dee Stout, MA

All photos courtesy of unsplash.com

[1] For a terrific article on opiate/opioid overdose, see https://harmreduction.org/issues/overdose-prevention/overview/overdose-basics/recognizing-opioid-overdose/

JOIN US for Beyond Binary: Rethinking Cannabis and Solutions to the Overdose Crisis!

⏰ Friends in the NYC area, SAVE THE DATE for Beyond Binary: Rethinking Cannabis and Solutions to the Overdose Crisis!

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Tue, November 26, 2019
1:30 PM – 4:00 PM EST

Brooklyn Law School
205 State Street
Brooklyn, NY 11201

Please JOIN US for a not-to-be-missed, illuminating and thought-provoking afternoon at Brooklyn Law School with Harry Nelson, the nation’s leading healthcare attorney and the author of “The United States of Opioids: A Prescription for Liberating a Nation in Pain”; award-winning neuroscience journalist and the author of “Unbroken Brain,” Maia Szalavitz; and harm reduction pioneer, Joseph Turner, the President/CEO and Co-Founder of Exponents!

Our featured experts will explore the interwoven topics of how approaches to the Overdose Crisis are informed by cannabis reform, and the ongoing evolution of policy. The event is FREE and SEATS ARE LIMITED. (Refreshments and snacks will be served!) Sign up now!

Repping the Family Voice at DPA’s Reform Conference!

What:  Repping the Family Voice at DPA’s Reform Conference!

When: November 6-9, 2019
Where: St. Louis, MO
http://www.reformconference.org/
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Why: Families for Sensible Drug Policy will be repping the family voice at Drug Policy Alliance’s Reform conference! Carol Katz Beyer and FSDP Secretary-Treasurer Rory Fleming will both be present to speak to harm reduction advocates across the nation and world about our innovative programs like Family Drug Support! We will also be attending to meet with other Open Society Foundations grantees for an upcoming push in New Jersey to replace tough love approaches with evidence-based public health endeavors and compassionate policies.

Rally to Demand Cuomo Apologize, Sign Lifesaving Bill!

What:  Rally to Demand Cuomo Apologize, Sign Lifesaving Bill!

When: Tuesday, 10/29 @ 11:30  
Where: Cuomo’s NYC Office- 633 3rd Ave (meet at Plaza across the street)
Trains: 4/5/6 to Grand Central   
Why:
Last Tuesday, the harm reduction community held a rally in response to Governor Cuomo’s stalling on signing this lifesaving legislation–the only overdose prevention bill for low-income NYers that passed last session, and with bipartisan support at that. In response to our rally, Cuomo’s Senior Advisor and spokesperson said, “I’ll put this administration’s record of fighting the opioid epidemic against anyone else’s. Spare me the rantings of the Advocacy Industrial Complex and whomever funds them.” 
 
Coalition partners, family members from across the state, and our member-leaders found these statements to be tone-deaf, spitting in the face of the grief and anger we unite around to end this crisis. In response to these statements from the Governor’s office and his continued inaction on signing the bill that would expand access to lifesaving treatment, we are all returning to his office to DEMAND AN APOLOGY THROUGH HIS SIGNATURE ON THE BILL
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Spring and the Cycles of Change!

Welcome to the Spring 2019 edition of Family Matters – Families Matter, our new blog authored and curated by FSDP’s Guest Blogger–pioneering harm reduction therapist, educator, advocate and author Dee-Dee Stout.
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I have been a Star Trek geek for as long as I can remember.  This infatuation even rubbed off on my son who designed the current World Tour stage for the multi-award- winning mega-band Muse to be shaped like a Klingon Bird of Prey[1].  I never quite understood my fascination with all things alien, watching the new Star Trek Discovery series week after week in tears.  Really??  Crying over a TV show, and a sci-fi show no less??    Well, after some 50 years of dedication and fanaticism, I think I figured it out:

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To borrow a phrase:  it’s the future, stupid.  The past is finished, complete, even if I do mine it reasonably often, still attempting to understand things as they unfolded oh so long ago. There is wisdom that has come from that exercise as well as some futility.  But it’s the future that really does it for me, makes me weak-in-the-knees excited & emotional all at once, like the old roller coaster The Big Dipper in Santa Cruz does every time I ride her.  And the relationships, the dedication, the incredible sacrifice and love emanating through every episode brings my heart into my throat with regularity.  That all makes me desire to keep going – which some days is a monumental feat I will admit briefly – as I see real possibility for us all, the Human Race.  And besides, if a Vulcan can ask for forgiveness (Sarek, in Part 1 of the second season’s finale) who am I to not give such a gift to myself and my families:  both the one of chance and the one of choice?  It appears this is the work of my future, the work of ‘Change to Come’.

And so we’re onto Change for this month’s blog.  And here’s where I’ll begin…

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Change is about leaving what we know behind, jumping into the abyss of the unknown just as a starship jumps into warp drive.  Never knowing what’s on the other side should be exhilarating for me (Remember? Rollercoaster lover?) and yet it’s always filled me with fear & uneasiness.  I’m still here though, alive – as are many others who shouldn’t be – and that’s all due to this thing called Change and those who have ridden this wave with us all.

“Most people never get a chance to learn what’s in their own hearts.  If we figure it out it’s often not what we expected, or even what we would have chosen for ourselves.” 

—Capt. Christopher Pike, 2019; Star Trek Discovery, episode 13

What’s in my heart?  I wondered when hearing this line of dialogue.  As so many others have too, I have studied several religions at various points in my life. My first exposure was as a child when I was baptized in the Congregational church of my maternal grandparents, and then as a grade school-age youngster in my family’s home (in Midland, MI) at the United Church of Christ (UCC) which they helped to build.  I am proud of the heritage of the UCC as a church of social justice and inclusivity.  Even at the height of my drug use, my minister refused my mother’s request that I not be allowed to attend nor teach at the church.  He believed in me and the idea that Change could only happen in a place of love & inclusion.  He also preached that God was not something outside of ourselves but rather inside of each and every living thing.  Finally, he told us that our church was about ‘accepting the unacceptable’ of society (that belief is partly what drew me early on to helping problem drug users ironically).  I also recall as a teen wishing to become Catholic as I saw many of my drug using friends able to attend confession each week which they believed absolved them of their “bad behavior” as well as allowed them to repeat it the following week.  To me, it simply appeared that Change for them was easy[2] – and I was jealous.

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In the pagan Wiccan traditions, every season brings Change of a new variety.  As we leave April and head into May, the Wiccan calendar moves to celebrate the festival of Beltane.  This date is also known more commonly as May Day.  It is a time for birth and renewal:  pastel colored eggs to signify fertility; a Maypole around which songs are sung while long ribbons twirl while celebrants dance around the phallic symbol of the pole, and rituals around fertility, crop blessings, and romance abound.  After a long hard Winter, Spring brought promise to our ancient people’s here; a promise from someone, somewhere, that they had not been abandoned nor forgotten.

I see Change as a promise to us too:  a promise that no matter what, nothing will ever remain the same; all will be well; don’t worry, be happy!  Within addiction, this is ultimately the challenge as there often seems little to be happy about when things turn bad.  When I was using drugs problematically, I see now that a good part of my reasoning was to keep things the same, status quo.  That provided me with ritual, some strange stability, and again ironically, a sense that I always knew what to expect.  As a person with a history of trauma, I yearned for something to keep me centered, something expected.  It’s also what kept me in violent/abusive relationships.  I recall saying out loud finally that I understood that “to know something – even something violent – was better than leaping into the unknown.”  Some people believe that those of us who remain in these violent relationships do so because they’re comfortable, that we become comfortable with the abuse.  I disagree. I say we become familiar with it and that’s the point:  it is better to stay with what we know v be so terrified that Change could be worse.  That’s how frightened we often are of Change.  IT is the enemy.  It is the same with addiction:  fear of Change can keep us from trying something new.

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And this leads me to the topic of families and the people they love who problematically use drugs.  We all resist change to some degree.  To some degree we would rather stay in the status quo, in the familiar, than take a risk into the unknown – “to go where no one has gone before” – or perhaps we’d simply prefer that someone else makes the Change and not us.  But this isn’t how Change works!

Recently a post from my dear friend and colleague Andrew Tatarsky[3] (Board member at FSDP) came through my Facebook feed, which Andy had reposted from a colleague apparently having a conversation with Dr. Gabor Mate, the renowned trauma & addiction expert and author.  Much like my beloved Star Trek it, too, has left me in tears each time I read it.  I hesitate to repost this dialogue here for fear of offending people reading this blog.  But I am going to take that chance and hope you will hear the hope and joy and see the “Way Out” – as our Brit neighbors wittily call an exit – as I unexpectedly did after reading it. Bring the hankies.  Here goes:

“We weren’t quite finished yet. I wanted to know about family members who are dealing with addiction. What can they do for a loved one who’s caught in the grips of active addiction? Because when people are that deep in addiction, they’ve lost themselves—they’re gone in a way. I know I was. I know there was nothing my family could have done no matter how much they wanted to.”

Gabor didn’t agree with me. “You don’t know that. What you do know is what they tried didn’t work, but you don’t know that there’s nothing they could have done. In one sense, you are 100 percent right: There’s nothing they can directly do to change your mind. There’s nothing they can directly do to change your mental status. There’s no way that they can talk to you, advise you, control you, beg you, accuse you. That does not mean there’s nothing they could have done. Imagine if your family had come and said, ‘Chris, here’s how it is. We recognize that your addiction is not your primary problem. Your primary problem is that you’re in a lot of pain. And that pain is not yours alone. That pain has been carried in our family for generations. And we’re as much a part of that pain as you are. You’re just the one who’s soothing it with that behavior. In fact, you’re the one whose behavior shows us how much pain there is in our family. Thank you for showing that to us. So we’re going to start working on you, because we realize that we’re as much a part of it as you are. We’re going to take on the task of healing ourselves. We invite you to be there if you feel like it. And if you’re not ready, sweetheart, then just do what you need to do right now.”

“Families also have to decide, can I have this person in my life, or can I not? If I want them in my life, there must be certain rules, like they can’t steal from me and so on, but if I can have them in my life, I must accept them exactly as they are, exactly where they’re at, and 100 percent accept that right now they’re using because they feel they need to. I’m not going to nag them, cajole them, advise them. I’m not going to say a thing that they didn’t ask me about. I’m just going to accept that this is who they are and I’m just going to love them. That’s a rational decision to make. It’s equally rational to say, ‘You know what? It’s too painful for me. I can’t handle it. I can’t stand to see you do this to yourself. It’s too stressful. I can’t be with that, so I’m sorry, I love you very much, but I can’t be with you.’ That’s legitimate, too.”

“What is completely nonsensical—and unfortunately the pitfall for most families—is to try to be in the addict’s life and try to change them all the time. That’s the one thing you cannot do. So either accept or lovingly distance yourself, but don’t try to stay in there with the intent of altering the other person. To the addict, that signals only one thing: ‘They don’t love me the way I am.’ That’s my advice to families. I do believe that addiction in a person can be a healthy wake-up call for them and for everyone in their lives.” — Dr. Gabor Maté, Dead Set On Living

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Change, especially when we look at addiction(s), sure isn’t linear; not even close.  In fact, even the theorists behind the Stages of Change[4] now use a spiral model[5] rather than their traditional wheel.  Me?  I’ve always seen Change more like a pinball machine, and I’m no wizard:  you know, one minute you’re over here, the next down there, and a moment later, ding, ding, ding!  It’s unknowable, it’s exciting, and it’s scary as hell.  That’s the Change I know…and I am finally just beginning to like Change rather than fear and respect it like an overbearing & abusive parent.  Bottom line:  it always happens whether I like it or not!

If I may, this seems like a good point to insert briefly the 7 Stages of Change[6] (SOC) as they apply to any Change you might want to make, and of course I will provide you with references for more on them if you wish (apologies to anyone in the know here.  Feel free to skip this next part):  precontemplation, contemplation, preparation or determination, action, maintenance, termination & relapse/recycle.  In a nutshell, here’s the definition and task of each stage (please keep in mind that these stages aren’t linear; remember – pinball!!)

Precontemplation:  When my behavior is in this stage it means I can’t see it as a problem so I’m unlikely to see a need for change (think the old idea of denial).  Perhaps my family, friends, or employer is seeing a problem in my behavior.  So here the main task is to increase my awareness of the need to change – to help me/someone recognize that the cons of not changing are greater than the pros of change.

Contemplation:  This is the stage of thinking (insert Rodin’s The Thinker).  I see my behavior as being a possible problem but I’m not ready to commit to making a change.  Ambivalence lives here.  Think of this stage as “well, maybe I should make this change but…”

Preparation or Determination:  When my behavior is in preparation, you’ll know because I’m planning out the needed resources, discussing how and maybe even why I want to make this change.  I might even begin to take baby steps toward my healthier self.

Action:  In action, I’ve moved forward and state my intentions to keep on that path toward healthier living.  Any positive change[7] is the key here.

Maintenance:  Since I plan to maintain my change in this stage, I will need to work on recognizing obstacles and other speed bumps to my continued Change path.

Termination:  For the researchers, this stage was noted by the problem behavior being eliminated for at least 6 months.  This stage is often left out of behavioral health programs (including rehabs) however as many don’t believe this stage is reachable.  I believe this concept deserves review, and that “termination” should be viewed personally and individually.  For myself, I do believe my former addictive behaviors with alcohol and other drugs is done, finis, over with, hasta la bye bye.  I have all sorts of other problem behaviors to continue to work on but not those.  Others will likely feel more comfortable with termination being left out of the Spiral of Change.

Recycle/Relapse:  The researchers decided that the term relapse wasn’t good enough as it isn’t accurate for most people making Change.  This is because to relapse means to go back to the beginning, in this case to precontemplation. And while some people will indeed return to precontemplation, most will instead recycle back into one of the other pre-action stages.

 

 

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Spring appears to have finally come to the Bay area.  While we are all grateful to not have to endure yet another year of horrendous drought, we are equally grateful to get a respite from the torrents of rain that have devastated communities throughout our Golden State recently.  Even as I write this, we are being warned of a touch more showers coming tomorrow, hopefully the last spurts for the wettest April I recall in my 40 years here.  Spring is a natural time to think of change:  flowers blossom; mice mate and dogs give birth; the seasons shift as our little Blue Marble of a planet tilts on its axis once again.  Like the seasons, Change is both predictable and unpredictable at the same time: the only thing we can be sure of is that nothing will remain the same and that Change happens, constantly and without permission.  I can accept that or not but like the moonrise, it will happen everyday in spite of my feelings about it.  So will my Change.  I will continue to change and grow because to do otherwise will be more painful. This I now know for sure.  So, I will make room for the Change in the same way as the philosophical cat Garfield says so brilliantly: “Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks all over it!”  No one said I have to Change gracefully.  And I will wait to cry one more time at Part 2 of the final episode of this Star Trek series season to begin my long winter of wait for the next season to begin.  And the next season, and the next Change, will come gratefully – both for my beloved Star Trek and for all of us, if we can just hang on to each other a bit longer.  Let the adventure continue…

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[1] The 2019 Simulation Theory World Tour (www.muse.mu).  The simulation hypothesis or simulation theory proposes that all of reality, including the Earth and the universe, is in fact an artificial simulation, most likely a computer simulation, leading to the 1990s-influenced stage and costume designs. (Wikipedia, accessed 4.14.19; 2019 personal communication with Muse Creative Designer Jesse Lee Stout).

[2] Please do not interpret my comments here as a negative stance on the Catholic church.  This is merely how I saw things as a teen, quite simplistically.

[3] Andrew Tatarsky, PhD is the author of “Harm Reduction Psychotherapy” (Guilford Press) and the founding Director of The Center for Optimal Living in NYC.  He can be reached at http://centerforoptimalliving.com/.

[4] The Transtheoretical Model (TTM) of Change was developed by the Drs. James Prochaska, Carlo DiClemente and John Norcross.  For more, please see their academic websites:  https://web.uri.edu/psychology/meet/james-prochaska/;   https://psychology.umbc.edu/people/corefaculty/diclemente/; https://www.scranton.edu/faculty/norcross/

[5] See “Changing for Good” by Prochaska, DiClemente & Norcross.

[6] There are a lot of good sources for SOC materials.  Here are a few standouts: https://www.lifehack.org/676832/stages-of-change-model; “Changeology” by John Norcross; “Changing for Good” by Prochaska, DiClemente & Norcross; “Changing to Thrive” by Drs. Prochaska.

[7] Thanks to my friend, the late Dan Bigg, founder of the Chicago Recovery Alliance (CRA) for this simple phrase. For more on CRA, go to https://anypositivechange.org/

 

Let’s Honor International Family Drug Support Day on February 24!

Welcome to the February 2019 edition of Family Matters – Families Matter, our new blog authored and curated by FSDP’s Guest Blogger–pioneering harm reduction therapist, educator, advocate and author Dee-Dee Stout.

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This month, Dee Dee, with her exuberance and energy, explains why International Family Drug Support Day means so much to so many of us… 

Join us in honoring International Family Support Day on February 24, 2019!! Please follow us on Facebook and check out our website at fsdp.org for more information.

Hello everyone and happy 2019!!

I’ve had a remarkably busy start to the New Year as perhaps some of you have as well, meaning there was no blog for January.  My apologies!  As the Lunar/Chinese New Year just passed, it seems a good time to discuss the new partnership between FSDP and Family Drug Support Australia.  Having attended the engaging and insightful training in NYC with Tony Trimingham (www.fds.org.au) at Dr. Andrew Tatarsky’s Center for Optimal Living site, I want to speak about the work of both these organizations as we prepare to commemorate International Family Drug Support Day (2/24).  This date is important to Tony personally as this is the date his own son, Damien, died of a drug-related overdose in 1997 (see https://vimeo.com/249347700 for more from Tony).  Each year Tony and his team have chosen a topic on which to focus.  This year it’s #SUPPORTTHEFAMILYIMPROVETHE OUTCOME.

31 years ago when I began my journey into traditional recovery, there was family support built into the rehab I entered.  There was even a program for my young son, Jesse, though that program was an additional fee.  But the Family Program, which met every Saturday during my treatment stay, was vibrant!  In those days, the family was too often seen as part of the problem however (think “enabler” and “codependent”, labels I would never use today though many professionals still do).  Today we know that family[1] support is crucial to long-lasting change to happen for those with problem alcohol and other drug use.

Families have lacked support in their struggles and in daily living with those they love with problems using drugs (including alcohol).  International Family Support Day is one way to highlight the need for families like outs at FSDP to not only be recognized and heard but also supported and encourage to speak out regarding their concerns and their needs, including the needs of their loved ones with problematic drug use.  One saying that I love is this: “If my family member had died of cancer or heart disease or a car accident, neighbors would be bringing me a casserole.  Not so with addiction.”  We at FSDP say we want to see casseroles!

One of the biggest and fastest growing areas of family work in addictions is the notion that abstinence doesn’t have to be the final goal.  In my world, I call this Harm Reduction Recovery™ (HRR).  Recovery without abstinence is entirely possible but it does require thinking out of the norm!  HRR can be a goal to itself or perhaps it’s a stepping stone on one’s path to abstinence – or something in between.  Families see that the most important first goal is keeping their loved one(s) alive.  That means for many families, requiring that they throw their loved one out when they exhibit the very symptoms we want them to seek treatment for is no longer an option.  As my aunt (who’s taught me a ton about families, addiction, and harm reduction) said, “He’s my child.  I’m not going to be able to sleep at night worried that he’s not only using drugs but now he’s alone on the streets.  I don’t need more to worry about; I need less.”  More and more families are speaking out against easy “solutions” like exiting their loved ones.  They’ve come to the realization that my aunt did:  throwing your loved one out may not be the best solution.  In fact it may increase your own stress and add more trauma to all involved which doesn’t lead to a reduction of drug use.  In fact, it often leads to an increase.  We have learned that the opposite of recovery isn’t harm reduction but rather zero tolerance (and tough love).  And we will NOT enable these concepts to rule us anymore.

Speaking of tough love, refusing to participate in this concept is another area of growth in family addictions work.  We’ve learned through research that many problem drug users are using alcohol and other drugs to soothe trauma(s) they have experienced in life.  Addiction is definitely enabled by, if not always directly caused by, trauma(s).  We also know that having a trauma history can be a barrier to seeking help (lack of trust; fear of others’ judgments; lack of confidence; distrust of healthcare professionals, and more).  Therefore again, if we want our loved ones to seek help, we must be willing to reduce/do away with as many barriers as possible.  Demanding abstinence can be a huge barrier; insisting that problem drug users “hit bottom” is a re-traumatization which also increases barriers.  Families are converging and demanding better for their dollars from rehab providers and other professionals.  We at FSDP are behind them all the way!

Families for Sensible Drug Policy (or FSDP) was founded by Barry Lessin, a therapist working in the addictions field, and Carol Katz Beyer, a mom who lost 2 of her 3 young adult sons to drug-related overdoses.  She knows a thing or two about what it’s like to change your approach to drug treatment/rehab and drug users!  As we head into International Family Drug Support Day (IFDSD), here are a few things Carol and the gang at FSDP want you to know about this special day:

The objectives of IFDSD are to:

  • Reduce stigma and discrimination for families and drug users (bring on the casseroles!)
  • Promote family drug support services for families and friends (all treatment needs to include all players)
  • Promote harm reduction strategies for families and friends (no more tough love or zero tolerance)

In addition, the following issues will be highlighted around the world by all participating in this event:

  • Establishing the important role of FDS and FSDP volunteers in providing family support in the US, Australia, and the world
  • Reducing fatal and non­fatal overdoses from drugs including pharmaceuticals
  • Promoting the widespread availability of naloxone
  • Promoting greater inclusion of family members in the decision-making process for families experiencing problematic drug use
  • Promoting greater support and resources for treatment services for those who want it and need it – and appropriate alternatives for those not yet ready

For more on what you can do in your area – or if you have an idea of your own – please contact Carol Katz Beyer at carol@fsdp.org.

The take-away:  please join us this year on February 24 to honor International Family Drug  Support Day in any way that feels right to you.  I’ll be lighting my candle that night for all those using drugs problematically and their families of chance and/or choice, as well as those lost to this complicated condition we call “addiction”.  I’ll also be saying a “thank you” to my son, Jesse Lee, my late former husband (Bob) and my late in-laws (Rhett & Faren) for their constant, unconditional love and support while I developed a path to recover me.  I’m also lighting my candle for my friends who were with me in the beginning and those who are with me now and those who will be with me in the future.  Without them all, I would not be here and for that, I will always be grateful and will continue to work for the voice of all in addiction to be heard and honored. Support the Family, Change the Outcome.  It’s a recovery revolution and the time is now.

[1] Let me define “family” here:  One type is the family you’re born into which I call your “family of chance.”  The other is the one you create which I call your “family of choice.”  Sometimes they are the same of course.  The important point is that you need not have a “family of chance” present, but you must have a family of choice then.  All humans need community in some form as we are social beings.  How much and what kind is up to the individual.

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PLEASE SUPPORT OUR FAMILIES!

A Milestone for FSDP: Family Drug Support USA, a Step Forward for Families Impacted by Substance Use.

E9EBF66E-DF9E-4FAE-A784-24EFD7AB8B2AA long-awaited milestone for Families for Sensible Drug Policy of bringing a new paradigm of support for families impacted by substance use occurred last month when Tony Trimingham, founder of Australia’s Family Drug Support, came to the United States and trained our first group of family members and professionals from across the United States at a sold-out workshop in Family Drug Support USA.

Family Drug Support USA, co-hosted by our friends at the Center for Optimal Living in New York City, is a program of innovative non-judgmental, peer-led support groups with solutions and strategies that encourage self-empowerment by recognizing each family as unique. It will provide our families with an opportunity to access much needed community support and connection based on what families need, expect and experience. This model of support helps families better understand and strengthen the connection between ourselves and loved ones who use substances.

We were humbled by the interest of the attendees in learning the model and impressed with their passion and brilliance in their shared experiences. Family members and advocates from diverse communities attended the training to bring the groups home, planting seeds of harm reduction and hope.  It was a remarkable weekend, tangible evidence of our mission to bring communities together to embrace enlightened drug policy–empowering families, restoring health and saving lives.

The workshop was in two parts: On Friday night was “Support The Family Improve The Outcome”, an introduction to the Family Drug Support model providing an in-depth overview including harm reduction tools and coping strategies. Saturday and Sunday was a two-day intensive training, which afforded participants an opportunity to work directly with Tony in an experiential workshop learning specific skills using harm reduction principles and the psychological approach of motivational interviewing to deliver support to those in need.

Families have a vital role in the development and resolution of how substance use impacts their home—for far too long our families have not been afforded the opportunity to engage as active participants and problem-solvers.

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Our commitment to making the family voice heard will continue on February 24 as we bring communities together to commemorate International Family Drug Support Day, (IFDSD) a global event which aims to highlight the need for families impacted by substance use to not only be recognized and heard, but to be supported and encouraged to speak about their concerns and needs in drug policy.

To learn more about what you can do for IFDSD, please…

FSDP Brings Australia’s Family Drug Support Model to the United States

Our families have a vital role in the development and resolution of how substance use impacts their home—for far too long our families have not been afforded the opportunity to engage as active participants and problem-solvers.50556292_2514971128519511_2200632244790362112_o

Last weekend, January 11 to 13, 2019, presented an exciting opportunity for Families for Sensible Drug Policy and the Center for Optimal Living to embrace a new paradigm of support for families impacted by substance use when we welcomed the founder of Australia’s Family Drug Support Tony Trimingham, who led a sold-out weekend workshop training for attendees from across the US in the Family Drug Support model. Family Drug Support USA brings  innovative non-judgmental, peer-led support groups with solutions and strategies that encourage self-empowerment by recognizing each family as unique.

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The workshop was in two parts: On Friday night was “Support The Family Improve The Outcome”, an introduction to the Family Drug Support model providing an in-depth overview including harm reduction tools and coping strategies.Saturday and Sunday was a two-day intensive training, which afforded participants an opportunity to work directly with Tony in an experiential workshop learning specific skills using harm reduction principles and the psychological approach of motivational interviewing to deliver support to those in need.
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This long awaited milestone for FSDP will provide our families with an opportunity to  access much needed community support and connection based on what families need, expect and experience. This model of support helps families better understand and strengthen the connection between ourselves and loved ones who use substances. The peer-led support groups present viable alternatives for families to explore potential solutions and coping strategies.

Our commitment to making the family voice heard will continue on February 24 as we bring communities together to commemorate International FamilyDrug Support Day,  a global event which aims to highlight the need for families impacted by substance use to not only be recognized and heard, but to be supported and encouraged to speak about their concerns and needs in drug policy.

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